One of the days I've dreaded

It's here...December 9th. I think out of all the dates that bring bad memories, this one is at the top of the list. It's significant for two reasons. 1. Exactly one year ago I said goodbye to my twins as I had my first D&C (first surgery EVER in fact...I was a nervous wreck) and 2. TODAY was supposed to be my due date for my second pregnancy. I remember when I got that positive test back in early April, doing the math to figure out my due date and thought either it was gods way of helping me heal or it was a sick joke. It ended up being the latter. It's currently just after 9 AM and I've managed to keep myself together at work..so far. My first customer of the day however, was a late 30's..maybe 400 lb. woman pregnant with her second baby. I'm not trying to imply she doesn't deserve that baby at all, it's just one more reminder that literally EVERYONE around me seems to be able to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. I have to make an honest effort everyday to not be bitter, some days are better than others. I had an appointment with my primary care Doctor last week to discuss treatment for my anxiety. I'm so grateful that my Doctor is such a remarkable human being. We talked for about an hour, she genuinely cares about me and my concerns with medication. I didn't want a strong medication, I didn't want something habit forming, I didn't want something I would have to be weaned off of and I didn't want a ton of unpleasant side effects (I'm still working on some of my control issues by the way). After discussing many different options, we narrowed it down to Hydroxyzine. It's in the antihistamine family but has been found to help a great deal with anxiety. It's something I can take for two weeks, up to three times each day and then stop taking if I'm feeling better, no problems. I plan to start it this weekend. AF is supposed to be here tomorrow and I want to be sure I'm not pregnant before I start it. That's about all the update I have for you guys, I'm just trying to get through this day and thought I would come on here and vent a bit. Until next time.

Xoxo,
Ashley