4 DPO - Trying to Let Go

Trying to let go of the fear, worry, stress and anxiety is so difficult. Since August, I've been seeing a counselor bi-weekly and although I've noticed a lot of improvements, it is a long process. I was "officially" diagnosed with anxiety earlier this year (though it's been pretty intense since last autumn) and instead of popping pills, I'm determined to overcome this in the most natural possible way. I had a great visit with my counselor yesterday. I usually start out our sessions by talking about what has caused a lot of stress and anxiety since our last visit. The biggest thing on my mind lately is of course, TTC again. I am SO scared of another loss. Sometimes I wonder if I was truly ready to TTC again. The short answer is maybe, maybe not. I feel like if I didn't jump right back into it, I would find excuse after excuse to keep putting if off until eventually it would be too late. The fact is, I want a baby. I just don't want all of the scary stuff leading up to it. She told me I need to stop worrying about the "what ifs" and live in the right now, today. If, god forbid we have another loss, I will get through it..just like I have every other time. Sometimes I think back to a year ago, before we got our first BFP and wonder what my life would be like now if we never started trying. I believe this past year has made me stronger physically, but weaker emotionally. She told me again, I need to live in the present and also that it's good to recognize your weaknesses and have that balance. I need to realize that I have been through some pretty traumatic experiences this past year and I'm coping the best I can. If we get our BFP this cycle, I have to recognize that this is a NEW pregnancy and it may not turn out like the other ones. I need to take things day by day and focus on the positives, instead of dwelling on the fear and worry.

Until next time,
Ashley