Cycle #51

As you can probably guess by the title of this post, last months cycle resulted in a BFN. Cycle #50 was not the lucky one for us, and after sulking about it for about two days, I'm ready for cycle #51. Never in my wildest dreams would've I have ever thought getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) would be this difficult, or take this long. This latest BFN hit me hard, I was so certain it would've been our month. I just need to keep reminding myself that God has a bigger plan. Not much else to report, just wanted to make a quick update. Thanks for all the love!


XOXO,
Ashley

4 DPO - Trying to Let Go

Trying to let go of the fear, worry, stress and anxiety is so difficult. Since August, I've been seeing a counselor bi-weekly and although I've noticed a lot of improvements, it is a long process. I was "officially" diagnosed with anxiety earlier this year (though it's been pretty intense since last autumn) and instead of popping pills, I'm determined to overcome this in the most natural possible way. I had a great visit with my counselor yesterday. I usually start out our sessions by talking about what has caused a lot of stress and anxiety since our last visit. The biggest thing on my mind lately is of course, TTC again. I am SO scared of another loss. Sometimes I wonder if I was truly ready to TTC again. The short answer is maybe, maybe not. I feel like if I didn't jump right back into it, I would find excuse after excuse to keep putting if off until eventually it would be too late. The fact is, I want a baby. I just don't want all of the scary stuff leading up to it. She told me I need to stop worrying about the "what ifs" and live in the right now, today. If, god forbid we have another loss, I will get through it..just like I have every other time. Sometimes I think back to a year ago, before we got our first BFP and wonder what my life would be like now if we never started trying. I believe this past year has made me stronger physically, but weaker emotionally. She told me again, I need to live in the present and also that it's good to recognize your weaknesses and have that balance. I need to realize that I have been through some pretty traumatic experiences this past year and I'm coping the best I can. If we get our BFP this cycle, I have to recognize that this is a NEW pregnancy and it may not turn out like the other ones. I need to take things day by day and focus on the positives, instead of dwelling on the fear and worry.

Until next time,
Ashley

Oct. 15 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Putting this video together has been so heartbreaking, but therapeutic all at the same time. There's so much more I wanted to say but I could probably make a five hour video and it still wouldn't convey all that I'm feeling. I posted this to my personal Facebook page and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. All my family and friends now know our story. I don't have to worry about what I say or act like it's some huge secret or something to be ashamed of, because it's not. This was my very first video I've ever put together myself, I'm sure it's far from perfect in  your eyes. To me, it's everything I was hoping for. Click on the link if you'd like to see.



http://www.kizoa.com/Online-Movie-Maker/d25628962kP235180567o2l1/infertility

Update!

I took a little bit of a hiatus because even though I will always be honest and tell it like it is, I got tired of feeling like I was only writing about negative things. Quite a bit has changed since my last post in August. I had a follow up Doctors appointment and he seemed just as lost as we are as to why we've had recurrent pregnancy loss. There is literally no other tests that can be ran on my husband or myself. I don't want to believe the fact that it's just "bad luck" but I know I also need to work on accepting things as they are. My Doctor said in about 50% of cases, there is never an exact reason found for recurrent pregnancy loss. It's been a really difficult decision to come to, but my husband and I have decided to keep trying to get pregnant. We have been told we have 50/50 odds of a successful pregnancy and although hearing that scares the shit out of me, I didn't come this far to give up now. I have been through just about every type of miscarriage and I'm a stronger person because of it. If we get pregnant and it's another loss, we will handle it just like we've handled it every other time. I feel like since I've been seeing a counselor for my anxiety (which was definitely intensified since the losses) I've made a lot of improvements. I've learned I can't always be in control of everything and sometimes I just need to let go and allow things to fall into place. That's the approach I'm taking with TTC. It does no good to stress about beta numbers and ultrasounds and worrying about the past because I will not have the power to change the outcome. All I can do is be as happy and healthy as possible. Currently I'm on CD 10. We will see what happens, I'm putting all my faith in God now. I will keep you all posted. Thank you for sticking with me!

 Ashley

 

My new normal

Hi everyone! Long time...I know! Not a ton has changed since my last update. Because of the way I responded to the Methotrexate injections, my official diagnosis was an ectopic pregnancy in June. My betas went down to zero within about 3 weeks of the shots. So, if you're keeping track, that makes for my 3rd pregnancy lost (4th baby) in approximately 6 months. I feel like I've gotten so used to the heartbreak and disappointment. The day of the Methotrexate injections (in the parking lot to be exact) my husband and I agreed we were done trying for good. We even went so far as to schedule a vasectomy consultation for this November. If any of you have been on this journey, you know that you change your mind a ton, it's a constant struggle within yourself. I honestly have no clue what I want to do at this point. Part of me doesn't want to give up, but I also don't want to face another loss. The real exciting news is in July I approached my Doctor and asked for ANY other testing that could be done. I cannot stand not having an answer. He said one of the last tests we could order is Genetic Karyotyping (https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003935.htm ) on both my husband and myself. After originally being rejected by our insurance company, my Doctor appealed their decision and eventually it was approved. We just got our results last week and they came back normal for both of us. On one hand I'm thrilled because having chromosomal issues can cause other serious problems later in life but we also didn't get the answers we so desperately desire. Another exciting piece of information is I finally started seeing a counselor for my anxiety. I was always a strong believer in working your problems out on your own but in a few short visits, I can already see an improvement in my anxiety levels. I have a long road ahead of me (thanks infertility) but I'm getting there. That's all for now!


Xoxo,
Ashley

Heading in the right direction!

Hi everyone! When I last updated, my beta went from 115 down to 65 only 4 days after my Methotrexate injection. I had another beta 3 days later and that one came back at 26! I was starting to get very nervous that my number was either going back up or staying the same. I had taken a Dollar Tree pregnancy test the morning of my latest beta and got a faint line. After much research, those are supposed to detect levels of 25 or higher so looking back and knowing that my beta was 26...those buggers are sensitive! Anways, that same day, around lunch time I started getting some intense period like cramping (the day before I experienced spotting, but no cramping). By the next morning (6/19) I was getting debilitating cramps and passing a lot of large clots. It was super fun at work because ALL of my co-workers are male so of course I had to act like everything was peachy. I contacted my Dr and he said it all sounded normal...I had to "pass" what he now believed was indeed a new, ectopic pregnancy (this is based on how I responded to the methotrexate and symptoms I had experienced since the shots). Saturday was just as bad, if not worse than Friday as far as bleeding and cramping. I wasn't soaking through pads consistently but between being on my feet hosting a bridal shower, being in the heat/humidity all day and the bleeding, I came SO close to passing out several times. By Sunday things had calmed down to the point that it felt like a regular period. Today is Wednesday and cramps are gone and I'm spotting just a miniscule amount. I go in for another beta tomorrow morning and I'm hoping it'll be my last for a while. I'm ready to put this nightmare behind me. I don't think I've slept more than 6 hours a night in the last three weeks. I just can't seem to shut my mind off at night and I'm so stressed and worried about how this will all turn out. I will keep you all posted after I get my results tomorrow!

Thanks for all the support!
-Ashley

Short Update

Hey everyone! As promised, I have the results of what my 3rd beta was and what has been done since then. Last update, my beta was 91 (6/3) and 111 (6/5). When I went in on 6/10 it only rose to 115. Clearly, if this was a new pregnancy it's impossible that it's viable, based on those numbers alone. My Doctor decided he wanted to try giving me a Methotrexate (http://www.drugs.com/methotrexate.html) injection before we moved forward with additional surgeries. On Thursday, June 11 I went in and got 2 shots. Other than a mild burning sensation the experience wasn't terrible. I returned to work the next day and the only side effects I really noticed were fatigue, mild/moderate cramping and occasional nausea. By 5 days post injection I experienced VERY light spotting. Overall, it really wasn't bad. The best part about the whole experience was my beta level on 6/15...my Doctor told me not to get discouraged with the first beta too much because for many people the shot doesn't even start working for 3-4 days so he was hoping for a 15% drop at best. My result was 65! My beta dropped by 50 in only 4 days! I have my next beta tomorrow morning and I'm hoping to be around 40. IF I end up plateauing at a certain level, I will most likely have to still go in for a third D&C. I don't know if another methotrexate injection will be an option but I would be willing to try it before going through surgery again. That is all for now, I will be sure to update again in a few days.