Sad Update..

Again, I apologize it's been so long since I've last updated. The last several weeks have been the happiest and most devastating of my life. My last post was all about how I would be starting my 2nd round of Provera and Femara. The morning of Thursday, Oct. 30 I took a home pregnancy test, for the sole purpose of ruling out a pregnancy before I began taking my medication again that night. To my utter delight, it was positive! For the first time in our TTC journey, I actually got a positive! I just started yelling and crying and burst into the bedroom and woke my husband up and we just cried and hugged for probably 10 minutes! I have never been so happy in my entire life. On my way to work, I called the doctors office and told them my exciting news, to my surprise all the nurse said I had to do was set up my first 2 prenatal appointments, the first would be Wednesday, Nov. 26..just a bunch of testing and information and my next would be Friday, Dec. 5. I asked if I needed to come in for blood work and she said that HPTs are 99.9% accurate so it wasn't necessary. I hung up the phone, talked to my husband and we both were not satisfied with that! We had been trying for over 3 years, I wanted to know all my levels! I called the doctors office back and basically demanded to get a blood test and after the nurse got approval from my doctor, we went that evening...the next day, I found out my hcg was 148 and my progesterone was 21.5! I was officially pregnant. We told my parents and my husbands mom that weekend and everyone was so excited. I went in for my second beta that next Monday and it was 577. My levels were progressing exactly as they should be. Over the next few weeks, I was definitely starting to FEEL pregnant....sore boobs, extreme tiredness and morning sickness all kicked in. I ended up taking 50 mg vitamin b6 and 1/2 unisom tablet twice a day to combat the nausea so I didn't have to miss any work and it worked wonders! My doctor estimated my due date as June 30, 2015. This entire time, I was quite frustrated with my doctors office...I felt they were very "hands off" about everything. We tried to conceive for so long and had a medicated cycle and they weren't going to be doing my first ultrasound until my 2nd prenatal appointment which is when I was 10w4d. I tried to express my fears and concerns to the nurse but she said my blood work was perfect, I had no history of miscarriage and I wasn't bleeding or cramping so everything was going as smooth as can be. Fast forward to Friday, Dec 5...my husband and I both took off work and we were so thrilled to see and hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. My doctor said he suspected twins because of the medicated cycle and had the nurse get the portable ultrasound machine into the exam room. The screen wasn't facing me but my doctor was silent. He said it was definitely twins but that he wasn't seeing what he wanted to. He shut the machine off and said he would send me to a different room to get an internal ultrasound but wanted to prepare us that it appears this isn't a viable pregnancy. My heart dropped and my husband and I just sat in the exam room and cried. We went into the other ultrasound room and just saw two empty gestational sacs. My doctor suspected a blighted ovum and suggested I schedule a D&C because it could be weeks to pass the tissue naturally. I wanted the weekend to think about it. Aside from all the anger and sadness of losing my babies, I had NEVER had any kind of surgery before. I decided Monday morning (Dec. 8) that I needed to go ahead with the D&C so that I could begin my physical and emotional healing. On Tuesday, Dec. 9 at exactly 11 weeks, I went in for surgery at 7:15 AM. I slept maybe an hour the night before, I was scared sh**less. The surgery was quick, I was awake less than an hour after receiving the anesthesia. I stayed in the recovery room for a few hours and went home later that morning. I will make another post discussing my D&C experience, from what I read online, I feel like I had a rougher recovery than most. As I type this, it's now exactly three weeks after the surgery and emotionally I'm doing as good as I can be. I have an appointment with my doctor next Monday to discuss what pathology found with the tissue as well as discussing the next step in our TTC journey. He's thinking we can start trying again as early as 4 weeks, but I know I won't be ready by then. The silver lining is that I was able to get pregnant, and that is great but I don't know if I could handle another loss like this, I now know what it's like to physically feel your heart breaking. I just don't understand why this is happening to us, we are good people and would make great parents. Life is far from fair sometimes. I will update again after my next appointment.