Feeling better

Happy Friday everyone! I'm happy to report that I'm genuinely feeling better. I have not taken any of my anxiety medication yet because I haven't felt like I've needed it. I don't know what's changed, honestly. I just have been feeling more at peace lately. Maybe it's getting past the first major holiday or the anniversary of my first surgery, but everyday I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. Don't get me wrong, this is not an overnight thing, I have a LONG way to go in terms of my anxiety and healing in general but for the first time in quite a while, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I had actually deactivated my personal Facebook page on Thanksgiving and ended up re-activating it this week, I discovered I didn't miss it as much as I thought I did...I still only check it about once or twice a day for a couple minutes at a time...just enough to still feel in the loop of everyday events/news. I'm trying to not let little annoyances stress me out anymore...some things are just not worth it! When I get upset about something, I've been stopping myself before I get out of control angry and ask myself if this is something I will still be upset about in 5 days? 5 weeks? 5 months? Most of the time, it's not even something I would be upset about in 5 hours so I try to let it go. I'm still very much a work in progress but I'm so determined to get back to enjoying the little things and living like an average 27 year old! There will ALWAYS be things that go wrong and things that are tough. You will have days that you simply feel like it can't get any worse. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!! Have hope and faith in yourself and you can conquer anything! As always, thank you for always sticking with me!

Ashley

One of the days I've dreaded

It's here...December 9th. I think out of all the dates that bring bad memories, this one is at the top of the list. It's significant for two reasons. 1. Exactly one year ago I said goodbye to my twins as I had my first D&C (first surgery EVER in fact...I was a nervous wreck) and 2. TODAY was supposed to be my due date for my second pregnancy. I remember when I got that positive test back in early April, doing the math to figure out my due date and thought either it was gods way of helping me heal or it was a sick joke. It ended up being the latter. It's currently just after 9 AM and I've managed to keep myself together at work..so far. My first customer of the day however, was a late 30's..maybe 400 lb. woman pregnant with her second baby. I'm not trying to imply she doesn't deserve that baby at all, it's just one more reminder that literally EVERYONE around me seems to be able to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. I have to make an honest effort everyday to not be bitter, some days are better than others. I had an appointment with my primary care Doctor last week to discuss treatment for my anxiety. I'm so grateful that my Doctor is such a remarkable human being. We talked for about an hour, she genuinely cares about me and my concerns with medication. I didn't want a strong medication, I didn't want something habit forming, I didn't want something I would have to be weaned off of and I didn't want a ton of unpleasant side effects (I'm still working on some of my control issues by the way). After discussing many different options, we narrowed it down to Hydroxyzine. It's in the antihistamine family but has been found to help a great deal with anxiety. It's something I can take for two weeks, up to three times each day and then stop taking if I'm feeling better, no problems. I plan to start it this weekend. AF is supposed to be here tomorrow and I want to be sure I'm not pregnant before I start it. That's about all the update I have for you guys, I'm just trying to get through this day and thought I would come on here and vent a bit. Until next time.

Xoxo,
Ashley

Feeling lost

Broken....Lost.....Those are the two words that I would use to describe myself these days. I have a really difficult time not blaming myself for our losses. After all, it was MY body that didn't do what it was supposed to. I think these feelings are amplified by the fact that we don't have a medical reason why it keeps happening. I'm a very black and white kind of person, I like need definite answers, no maybe or in between. According to my husband, family and counselor, I have very unrealistic high expectations for myself. I strive for perfection, in everything I do and when I don't attain perfection, I come down extremely hard on myself...What did I do wrong? What can I do differently next time? I am my own worst critic. I know that I will always grieve my babies and what could've been and it isn't that I want to forget them at all, but some days I wish I could just wake up and be over it. Be over the added stress, fear, worry and anxiety that I've been feeling since my miscarriages. I'm scared shitless to get pregnant again. Being told that we have 50/50 chances isn't good enough for me; I've never been a glass half full type of person...I don't consider myself a pessimist...rather a realist. What would be even scarier though is looking back and feeling regret twenty years down the road. At what point is enough, enough? I want to get back to the girl I once was and I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see that girl again..too much has happened. This is what infertility and loss does to a person. The easy answer would be to do something I enjoy, that makes me happy. As sad as it is, I don't even know what I enjoy. My life has been consumed with our inability to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) for over four years. For the life of me, I can't remember what I did for fun before we started this crazy insane journey. For the first time, I'm seriously considering starting an anti-anxiety medication. Everything I've tried up to this point (counselor, yoga, support books, breathing exercises) hasn't made much of a dent in how I'm feeling. I have an appointment scheduled for next week to discuss options with my primary care doctor and I will be sure to update afterwards. I apologize this post has been all over the place, thank you for sticking with me as always <3

Ashley

Cycle #51

As you can probably guess by the title of this post, last months cycle resulted in a BFN. Cycle #50 was not the lucky one for us, and after sulking about it for about two days, I'm ready for cycle #51. Never in my wildest dreams would've I have ever thought getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) would be this difficult, or take this long. This latest BFN hit me hard, I was so certain it would've been our month. I just need to keep reminding myself that God has a bigger plan. Not much else to report, just wanted to make a quick update. Thanks for all the love!


XOXO,
Ashley

4 DPO - Trying to Let Go

Trying to let go of the fear, worry, stress and anxiety is so difficult. Since August, I've been seeing a counselor bi-weekly and although I've noticed a lot of improvements, it is a long process. I was "officially" diagnosed with anxiety earlier this year (though it's been pretty intense since last autumn) and instead of popping pills, I'm determined to overcome this in the most natural possible way. I had a great visit with my counselor yesterday. I usually start out our sessions by talking about what has caused a lot of stress and anxiety since our last visit. The biggest thing on my mind lately is of course, TTC again. I am SO scared of another loss. Sometimes I wonder if I was truly ready to TTC again. The short answer is maybe, maybe not. I feel like if I didn't jump right back into it, I would find excuse after excuse to keep putting if off until eventually it would be too late. The fact is, I want a baby. I just don't want all of the scary stuff leading up to it. She told me I need to stop worrying about the "what ifs" and live in the right now, today. If, god forbid we have another loss, I will get through it..just like I have every other time. Sometimes I think back to a year ago, before we got our first BFP and wonder what my life would be like now if we never started trying. I believe this past year has made me stronger physically, but weaker emotionally. She told me again, I need to live in the present and also that it's good to recognize your weaknesses and have that balance. I need to realize that I have been through some pretty traumatic experiences this past year and I'm coping the best I can. If we get our BFP this cycle, I have to recognize that this is a NEW pregnancy and it may not turn out like the other ones. I need to take things day by day and focus on the positives, instead of dwelling on the fear and worry.

Until next time,
Ashley

Oct. 15 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Putting this video together has been so heartbreaking, but therapeutic all at the same time. There's so much more I wanted to say but I could probably make a five hour video and it still wouldn't convey all that I'm feeling. I posted this to my personal Facebook page and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. All my family and friends now know our story. I don't have to worry about what I say or act like it's some huge secret or something to be ashamed of, because it's not. This was my very first video I've ever put together myself, I'm sure it's far from perfect in  your eyes. To me, it's everything I was hoping for. Click on the link if you'd like to see.



http://www.kizoa.com/Online-Movie-Maker/d25628962kP235180567o2l1/infertility

Update!

I took a little bit of a hiatus because even though I will always be honest and tell it like it is, I got tired of feeling like I was only writing about negative things. Quite a bit has changed since my last post in August. I had a follow up Doctors appointment and he seemed just as lost as we are as to why we've had recurrent pregnancy loss. There is literally no other tests that can be ran on my husband or myself. I don't want to believe the fact that it's just "bad luck" but I know I also need to work on accepting things as they are. My Doctor said in about 50% of cases, there is never an exact reason found for recurrent pregnancy loss. It's been a really difficult decision to come to, but my husband and I have decided to keep trying to get pregnant. We have been told we have 50/50 odds of a successful pregnancy and although hearing that scares the shit out of me, I didn't come this far to give up now. I have been through just about every type of miscarriage and I'm a stronger person because of it. If we get pregnant and it's another loss, we will handle it just like we've handled it every other time. I feel like since I've been seeing a counselor for my anxiety (which was definitely intensified since the losses) I've made a lot of improvements. I've learned I can't always be in control of everything and sometimes I just need to let go and allow things to fall into place. That's the approach I'm taking with TTC. It does no good to stress about beta numbers and ultrasounds and worrying about the past because I will not have the power to change the outcome. All I can do is be as happy and healthy as possible. Currently I'm on CD 10. We will see what happens, I'm putting all my faith in God now. I will keep you all posted. Thank you for sticking with me!

 Ashley

 

My new normal

Hi everyone! Long time...I know! Not a ton has changed since my last update. Because of the way I responded to the Methotrexate injections, my official diagnosis was an ectopic pregnancy in June. My betas went down to zero within about 3 weeks of the shots. So, if you're keeping track, that makes for my 3rd pregnancy lost (4th baby) in approximately 6 months. I feel like I've gotten so used to the heartbreak and disappointment. The day of the Methotrexate injections (in the parking lot to be exact) my husband and I agreed we were done trying for good. We even went so far as to schedule a vasectomy consultation for this November. If any of you have been on this journey, you know that you change your mind a ton, it's a constant struggle within yourself. I honestly have no clue what I want to do at this point. Part of me doesn't want to give up, but I also don't want to face another loss. The real exciting news is in July I approached my Doctor and asked for ANY other testing that could be done. I cannot stand not having an answer. He said one of the last tests we could order is Genetic Karyotyping (https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003935.htm ) on both my husband and myself. After originally being rejected by our insurance company, my Doctor appealed their decision and eventually it was approved. We just got our results last week and they came back normal for both of us. On one hand I'm thrilled because having chromosomal issues can cause other serious problems later in life but we also didn't get the answers we so desperately desire. Another exciting piece of information is I finally started seeing a counselor for my anxiety. I was always a strong believer in working your problems out on your own but in a few short visits, I can already see an improvement in my anxiety levels. I have a long road ahead of me (thanks infertility) but I'm getting there. That's all for now!


Xoxo,
Ashley

Heading in the right direction!

Hi everyone! When I last updated, my beta went from 115 down to 65 only 4 days after my Methotrexate injection. I had another beta 3 days later and that one came back at 26! I was starting to get very nervous that my number was either going back up or staying the same. I had taken a Dollar Tree pregnancy test the morning of my latest beta and got a faint line. After much research, those are supposed to detect levels of 25 or higher so looking back and knowing that my beta was 26...those buggers are sensitive! Anways, that same day, around lunch time I started getting some intense period like cramping (the day before I experienced spotting, but no cramping). By the next morning (6/19) I was getting debilitating cramps and passing a lot of large clots. It was super fun at work because ALL of my co-workers are male so of course I had to act like everything was peachy. I contacted my Dr and he said it all sounded normal...I had to "pass" what he now believed was indeed a new, ectopic pregnancy (this is based on how I responded to the methotrexate and symptoms I had experienced since the shots). Saturday was just as bad, if not worse than Friday as far as bleeding and cramping. I wasn't soaking through pads consistently but between being on my feet hosting a bridal shower, being in the heat/humidity all day and the bleeding, I came SO close to passing out several times. By Sunday things had calmed down to the point that it felt like a regular period. Today is Wednesday and cramps are gone and I'm spotting just a miniscule amount. I go in for another beta tomorrow morning and I'm hoping it'll be my last for a while. I'm ready to put this nightmare behind me. I don't think I've slept more than 6 hours a night in the last three weeks. I just can't seem to shut my mind off at night and I'm so stressed and worried about how this will all turn out. I will keep you all posted after I get my results tomorrow!

Thanks for all the support!
-Ashley

Short Update

Hey everyone! As promised, I have the results of what my 3rd beta was and what has been done since then. Last update, my beta was 91 (6/3) and 111 (6/5). When I went in on 6/10 it only rose to 115. Clearly, if this was a new pregnancy it's impossible that it's viable, based on those numbers alone. My Doctor decided he wanted to try giving me a Methotrexate (http://www.drugs.com/methotrexate.html) injection before we moved forward with additional surgeries. On Thursday, June 11 I went in and got 2 shots. Other than a mild burning sensation the experience wasn't terrible. I returned to work the next day and the only side effects I really noticed were fatigue, mild/moderate cramping and occasional nausea. By 5 days post injection I experienced VERY light spotting. Overall, it really wasn't bad. The best part about the whole experience was my beta level on 6/15...my Doctor told me not to get discouraged with the first beta too much because for many people the shot doesn't even start working for 3-4 days so he was hoping for a 15% drop at best. My result was 65! My beta dropped by 50 in only 4 days! I have my next beta tomorrow morning and I'm hoping to be around 40. IF I end up plateauing at a certain level, I will most likely have to still go in for a third D&C. I don't know if another methotrexate injection will be an option but I would be willing to try it before going through surgery again. That is all for now, I will be sure to update again in a few days.

Whirlwind

I feel like it's been an eternity since I've posted something other than bad news on my blog. Unfortunately that's just the way things have been the last several months. I keep thinking to myself...who did I piss off so much to get all this bad karma. Things have been overwhelming, to say the least.

So like I mentioned in my last post, I had my post-op appointment on Friday, May 29. We discussed various testing that could be done to determine why we're in the "recurrent miscarriage" category now and also talked about contraceptives. I mentioned to my Doctor that my cycle hadn't returned yet (4w1d post op) and he said we'd give it another 2 weeks or so and I may have to take Provera again. I also decided I wanted to try the Mirena IUD so when my cycle did return, we would make that appointment and get that placed. Fast forward a few days (Wednesday, June 3 to be exact) I had the strongest gut feeling to take an ovulation test, and it was very positive. I thought it was odd but not unheard of to ovulate that late after a D&C and continued with my morning routine and then headed to work. That whole morning at work I kept thinking about that test. I came to the realization that the only times I've ever had THAT positive of an ovulation test, I was pregnant. I rushed home on my lunch break, made a pit stop at the drug store and bought a box of FRER tests. I only had about an hour hold on my urine so I was wondering if anything would come up...and it did. I was freaking the f out. I called my Doctors office about 10 minutes after I took the test and they wanted me to come in for a beta that day. I went in for my beta at 2 pm and by 4 pm they called and said the results came back at 91. I asked the nurse a MILLION questions...Is it safe to be pregnant this soon after a D&C? Would there be any lining for the baby to attach to? Is this even a new pregnancy? She answered what she could and scheduled me to come in 2 days later, Friday June 5, for another beta and said we will know more then. I went in that Friday and also requested to have all my blood clotting/genetic testing done at the same time. I figured if this is a new pregnancy, we will want to know these other results asap! After having SIXTEEN vials of blood taken, I continued on with my day. I actually had the day off work and was spending it with my sister who happens to live in the same town as my Doctors office. That afternoon the nurse called with my results...111. My beta level only went up by 20 in 2 days. She said my Doctor wanted to do an internal ultrasound and asked how quickly I could be there. Fifteen minutes later I was in the Doctors office. I had the ultrasound done and went into an exam room and waited. My Doctor came in and said he doesn't know what is going on...not something that is very comforting to hear! My ultrasound was basically inconclusive. He said we are dealing with one of three options:

1. New pregnancy, that based on the beta numbers will most likely end in miscarriage.  (possible blighted ovum or ectopic)
2. Leftover tissue from my last D&C
3. Gestational Trophoblastic Disease (http://www.cancer.org/cancer/gestationaltrophoblasticdisease/detailedguide/gestational-trophoblastic-disease-what-is-g-t-d)

If it is a new pregnancy, it's too early to see much of anything on the ultrasound. If it's leftover tissue, it is such a miniscule amount that the ultrasound isn't really picking up a good image of it. And if it's GTD, it's in the earliest of stages...which is also too difficult to see. So he suggested getting a third beta this Wednesday, June 10. Based on the numbers, that will hopefully give us a better idea as to what is happening. My options will either be Methotrexate to treat both GTD or possible ectopic pregnancy, or another D&C to remove leftover tissue or possible blighted ovum. So these are the cards we've been dealt at this point. I will try my best to update on here after my third beta results. Please keep us in your prayers this week! <3


Here are some of the pictures to sum up this crazy week....

The OPK I took the morning of 6/3

First FRER taken on my lunch break on 6/3

Another sad update...

As I look back at my last post on March 19, I can't believe how much has changed in such a short time. I hadn't really been tracking ovulation on a regular basis since my cycle returned after my D&C because since we were taking a break from TTC, I wasn't on any medications and quite honestly, didn't even think I could ovulate on my own (3+ years of daily opks told me so). I took an ovulation test on Monday, March 23 and it was REALLY positive. I had a moment of panic because my husband and I hadn't used any kind of protection the few days prior and I was scared it was too soon emotionally, after my loss to potentially be pregnant again. SURPRISE! I got my  BFP on Easter Sunday (April 5)! I was shocked, overjoyed, scared, excited, anxious, nervous and about 20 other adjectives! We told my parents, mother in law and siblings that day. Over the next few days I had gone in for bloodwork and my beta levels were doubling on average in about 30 hours! My due date was calculated as December 9, 2015. That date is especially significant because it would be exactly one year after my D&C, and the date I said goodbye to my 11 week twins. My first ultrasound was scheduled for April 27, when I would be almost 8 weeks along. The few weeks in between my BFP and ultrasound are all a blur looking back now. I remember feeling scared because I had NO symptoms like I did last time...I wasn't tired, no sore boobs, no food aversions...nothing! My husband, family and doctor all kept reassuring me that we had GREAT chances this time and that my bloodwork was looking phenomenal. The day finally came, we walked into the same ultrasound room as the last time we got bad news. The ultrasound tech examined my ovaries, tubes and took what felt like 20 minutes of different measurements and pictures and then finally got a clear picture of the gestational sac. We saw a yolk sac and really odd looking tissue. It looked like two small circular lumps. I could tell my husband was still hopeful but the moment I saw a clear picture, I knew. I knew exactly what I should've seen at 7, almost 8 weeks pregnant and that wasn't it. Even the ultrasound tech made a comment about not being sure what to measure because the tissue looked so abnormal. She printed off several pictures to show the Doctor as we were walked into an exam room. Because I already knew the news was not good, the tears were flowing. One thing that still upsets me is that in 2 pregnancies, 3 ultrasounds (1 abdominal, 2 transvaginal) I have yet to get a sonogram picture to take home. After a few minutes, my Doctor walked in and said the same words as last time.."I'm not seeing what I would like to be". He said the tissue was very abnormal and there was no cardiac activity. I asked what my options were and he said I could pass the tissue on my own, or we could do another D&C later that week. My Doctor has never been one to push me in any certain direction, but he did recommend doing the D&C because he was concerned this pregnancy could be a partial molar (http://www.webmd.com/baby/tc/molar-pregnancy-topic-overview). If I were to pass the tissue at home naturally, there would be nothing for pathology to test and verify and I would be left with feeling even more anxious. So on Thursday, April 30, I went in for my second D&C within 5 months. Overall, everything was very similar to the first time as far as the procedure itself and recovery. My Doctor did call the next day and informed me the tissue was NOT molar, so that was a huge relief. At this point, my husband and I are both 95-98% sure we will be done trying for good. I have a post-op appointment at the end of the month and we will be getting some genetic testing done just to see if we can get some kind of answers as to why we are now in the "recurrent miscarriage" category. I'm also looking into getting an IUD. We are sure we want a long term contraceptive, but nothing permanent (like a vasectomy) as of now. A special thanks to my Instagram TTC family for the overwhelming support! I'm not sure at this point what direction this blog will go. I will keep you updated with results of genetic testing but after that, it may turn into more of a lifestyle/travel blog. Thank you for sticking with me! <3

Dealing with anxiety

I've always considered myself an anxious person but I also felt like I had a good grasp on controlling it. I've noticed since my loss, that doesn't seem to be true anymore. My first anxiety attack was the day I went back to work after my D&C and I thought it was a one time thing. Fast forward a few weeks and I noticed I was increasingly more anxious about things that didn't used to bother me in my daily life. Things like driving to work; I felt like everyone was going to blow a stop sign and t-bone me. I would find myself clenching my steering wheel, holding my breath and waiting for impact through every intersection. If someone sneezed around me, or mentioned they were feeling under the weather, I would panic and drench my hands in sanitizer and disinfect every surface around me and brace myself for getting sick. My husband noticed these changes and in an effort to help, he purchased a lush bath bomb for me and sent me to my parents house when they were out of town to relax in their giant jacuzzi tub. That's when I realized this was more than I could handle. I had a scary bad panic attack while in the tub. I got this overwhelming fear that I would pass out and drown (crazy, I know). My face got flushed, I felt hot and dizzy and I could FEEL my heartbeat in my legs and arms. I had also been experiencing chest pain during this time and that wasn't helping my fears of something horrible happening to me. I decided it was time to make an appointment with my family doctor. Surprise, surprise I was diagnosed with anxiety (the chest pain was costochondritis..an annoying but harmless inflammation of the cartilage in my chest). She prescribed hydroxyzine, which is much less scary than medications that are habit forming like xanax, but I have yet to take one and they've been prescribed for about a month now. I. Hate. Medication. In an effort to try a more holistic approach, I've started practicing yoga a few times each week and I also have my first acupuncture appointment scheduled for next Monday. I also looked into seeing a counselor to talk through my anxiety but my super lovely $750/mo health insurance doesn't cover it and the place in my town is $250/hr, which is more than I'm wanting to spend right now. I don't want to blame ALL of this as a result of my miscarriage, because like I said before I've always been an anxious person but on a scale of 0-10, it has gone from a 2-3 to probably 8 since my loss. I guess because I feared a miscarriage from the very beginning of my pregnancy, and it ended up happening, I fear all these other horrible things happening to me. That's all for now, I will update after my first acupuncture appointment next week. I just wanted to share one of the many "side effects" of miscarriage that a lot of people don't always talk about. Thinking of  you all <3

Ashley

TTC Update

Happy Tuesday everyone. It's been exactly 8 weeks since my D&C. I've had a few friends and family members ask when we might "try" again. There is no simple answer quite frankly. I don't feel anywhere close to being emotionally or physically ready. I'm still dealing with a lot of emotional ups and downs since losing my twins and I really need to deal with those feelings before getting pregnant again. Physically, as selfish as it may sound, I just want a few months of feeling GOOD. Before I got pregnant, the medication made me feel crappy, then I dealt with pregnancy symptoms, then recovering from the D&C. It's been about 6 months of feeling like shit and I'm ready for a little bit of a break. I've also discussed with my husband the option of fostering to adopt. I want to be a mother and I don't know if I can take another loss again. I know some women have recurring miscarriages and can be strong and move on and try again but after trying for over 3 years only to have lost not one, but two babies. It's a pain I can't even put into words. So that's where I'm at. This is definitely not the end of the road for us but more like a time out..

Hello old friend...

So my body must HATE Provera. I've only actually taken it once, though it's been prescribed four times. The very first time I was supposed to take it was last February, after AF was absent for over four months. The day before I was supposed to start it, AF appeared naturally. Fast forward to last September, prescribed again and I took it for all 10 days, and AF showed up 11 days later. The third time I was going to start taking it was in late October and that is when I took a pregnancy test before I was to begin taking Provera that evening and it was positive. Now this latest time...AF hadn't appeared 4-6 weeks after my D&C like it was supposed to which I wasn't surprised by since I still had hcg in my system 4 weeks post D&C. My doctor called the prescription in towards the end of last week and I was going to pick it up last night and begin taking it that evening. SURPRISE SURPRISE!! AF showed up yesterday afternoon. So one day shy of 7 weeks after my D&C AF finally showed up. To be honest, I had some mixed emotions, I was happy with my body for letting it happen naturally but it was also yet another sign of not being pregnant anymore. I haven't had a period start even close to on time in over 10 years so I'm crossing my fingers that things will be more regular from here on out. It would be such a relief to get pregnant without medication forcing a period and then forcing ovulation. Hope everyone is having a great beginning to their week, if you're getting hammered by the huge snowstorm out east, stay safe!


-Ashley

A little bit of everything tag!

Good (early) morning everyone! I thought since I've been sad lately and things have been pretty "heavy" on my page, I would do something fun and lighthearted! I actually love doing tags, I think it's a great way to get to know someone. Let's get to the questions!


1. Do you keep up with the Kardashians? Not really. I do like Khloe..I think she's hilarious but as far as the show I'll only tune in if nothing else is on!

2. If you could have an old muscle car which one would you choose? 1960s Chevelle

3. Do you curse like a sailor when nobody is around? Sometimes (usually when I'm driving)...I think everyone has their moments!

4. If your significant other gave you a 'Hall Pass' who would you use it on? Be honest. Definitely not! I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

5. What is one thing you do that you hate to admit? Over-analyze things and take things too personally.

6. Do you really brush your teeth in the morning and at night? Be honest. NO! But I'm not gross...I promise! I still brush my teeth 2x/day but it's after lunch and before bed. I just can't brush them in the morning...I gag but I do use mouthwash in the morning!

7. What is your go-to drink at Starbucks? It's been several months since I've gone but my go-to drink was always a grande skim iced peppermint white chocolate mocha latte with no whip...that's a mouthful!

8. Is your current hair color your real hair color? No, it might as well be because it's grown out so much but my natural color is a crappy shade of ashy blonde.

9. If you could swap bodies with someone, who would it be and why? Jennifer Lawrence. I think she's pretty and fit without looking unhealthy skinny.

10. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If so, what did you think? No and I don't have much interest...just not my favorite genre of books.

11. Do you crack your knuckles? NO and I can't stand when others do it around me! STOP THE MADNESS!

12. Have you accidentally text messaged someone something you were suppose to be sending to your special someone? Yes, but it wasn't anything filthy. I think it was a boring "what do you want for dinner" question! 

13. Have you ever created a fake profile to creep on someone? No, I'm not a psycho.

14. Which is your weakness- cookies or pastries? I'm a sucker for cookies!

15. What do you love about yourself? I actually love my sense of humor and the amount of compassion that I have for others.

16. Do you have to match your nail polish to your toe nail polish? No, at the moment my fingernails are plain and my toe nails are Julep "Valerie"

17. Tell us a few things about you that people would be surprised to know about you. I started my first after school/weekend job when I was 13, I don't eat ANY type of seafood, my husband and I were originally going to do a courthouse wedding RIGHT after I turned 18 because I was VERY serious about enlisting in the Air Force and we didn't want to be separated.

18. Heels or flats? Flats

19. If you could do anything for one day and money wasn't an option, how would you spend your day? Dream big. Buying a s***load of animal toys, food and beds and going to the local shelter and spending the day spoiling all the cats and dogs that don't have homes.

20. What was the last YouTube video you watched? TheNotSoOrdinaryWife doing this tag!

21. Do you have road rage? Little bit...

22. What is your favorite Rock 'n' Roll song? Whitesnake "Here I go again on my own"

23. Who was your first kiss? Do you still talk to them? Marcus...we are Facebook friends but we don't socialize outside of that.

24. If you could have one YouTuber's closet whose would it be? Jennifer Ross...(organizedjen, myhousewifelife, busybeebuzz) her style is mature yet fun!

25. If you could have one YouTuber's makeup collection, whose would it be? MakeupbyTiffanyD

26. Do you have a nickname? Pumpkin (mom) Stinky (dad) Trashy Ashy (sister)...my family loves me! lol

27. How many cars have you had? What were they? 2! My very first car in 2004 was a 1996 Lumina and I had it for 10 years and currently I drive a 2006 Trailblazer.

29. What's your favorite pizza? Thin crust with mushrooms and onions.

30. If you could only have 1 lipstick for the rest of your life which lipstick would you choose? I don't wear lipstick...but if I picked a chapstick/lip gloss it would be Burts Bees




I TAG ALL OF YOU!!! Have a good weekend!

XOXO,
Ashley

My (detailed) D&C Experience

I've never had any kind of surgery before (not even wisdom teeth) so I had a ton of anxiety because I had no clue what to expect. I knew I didn't have much of a choice, my babies were gone and because my doctor suspected a blighted ovum, it could take weeks to pass the tissue on my own and with every passing day, the risk of infection increases. The hospital I go to is about 20-25 minutes away and I needed to be there at 6 AM the morning of the surgery (Tuesday, Dec. 9). Within 10 minutes of my arrival I had my IV started. I have no problem with needles, but it did burn for about the first 20 minutes. My nurse was amazing...constantly making sure I was comfortable. Next, both my doctor and anesthesiologist came and spoke to me about the procedure and answered any questions that I had. I didn't want any additional medications than what was absolutely required but I ended up having to get something similar to Valium because my heart rate was elevated (130-140s) and if I would've received the anesthesia at those levels, there was a chance my heart rate could crash. I've never had anything like Valium before but I can tell you, I never want it again! My head felt heavy and overall, I felt drunk. Hated it! At 7:15 I was wheeled back to the operating room and again, had the best nurses I could've hoped for. I started crying; it was a mixture of having to say goodbye to my babies and an overwhelming fear that something will go wrong. The nurses handed me kleenex and held my hand and told me everything would be OK as they put the anesthesia into my IV. I woke up in the recovery room about 1/2 hr after the procedure and didn't have the slightest bit of grogginess. Overall, I felt OK, just some discomfort from the breathing tube and catheter. They monitored my vitals for a few minutes and wheeled me back in the room by my husband. After a little while, they wanted to make sure I could keep liquids down...I wasn't really nauseous but my stomach was still in knots from all the nervousness. I had some water, apple juice and a few saltines and was fine. Lastly, after an hour or two they needed to make sure I could use the restroom with no problems. It hurt SO bad! There was just a slight amount of blood but the worst part was the burning pain from the catheter. They told me to drink plenty of fluids when I got home and the more I urinated, the better it would get. We left the hospital at about 10:30 AM and headed home where I spent the rest of the day on the couch, trying to get sleep. The worst (physical) part about that entire first day was the catheter pain..which didn't end up getting better until the next day and battling insomnia. I didn't have much bleeding that first day, I just used a light days pad. The next afternoon is when I started experience cramping and slightly heavier bleeding, but still no more than a pad over an 8 hour time period. I did take one 200 mg ibuprofen that afternoon and still battled insomnia at night. Thursday was identical to Wednesday as far as bleeding, cramping, insomnia and again I managed pain with just one 200 mg. ibuprofen all day. I did decide on Thursday to pack away all the baby buys and positive pregnancy tests that I kept, it was just becoming too difficult to look at everyday. I had a complete crying on the floor, asking god why kind of breakdown. Embarrassing to admit but I'm going to be 100% honest and tell you the good, bad and ugly. Friday is the day I went back to work, I definitely wasn't ready but I ended up not having a choice as my co-worker had a vacation planned weeks in advance (I work at a VERY small business, so it's nearly impossible to run things when 2 employees are gone). On the drive to work that day, I had a small anxiety attack, just not ready to face customers asking where I had been and broke down in tears in the parking lot. I called my husband and he talked me through it and I went in and handled the day like a champ. Overall, Friday I felt really good physically...I kind of thought it would only get better from this point...boy was I wrong! Saturday morning at about 3 AM I woke up with legit, the worst cramps I've EVER felt in my life. I came into the living room and curled up in a ball and just cried. I was SO close to going to the emergency room but I always have a way of convincing myself I can get through the pain. At about 6 AM I finally choked down a nutri-grain bar so that I could take ibuprofen (my stomach is pretty sensitive to them). I ended up taking two and about an hour later the cramps slowly started to subside, still pretty intense but at least it was manageable. TMI ALERT...during this time of severe cramping, I was also passing some pretty large pieces of tissue and clots when I urinated, they ranged from half dollar to golf ball size. I did email my doctor in that time and he said if I wasn't soaking through more than a pad an hour, I was fine. That day was pure hell. Sunday was a LITTLE bit better. I was in a better mood because Saturday night was the first time I slept for more than 4-5 hours in almost a week. I still had cramping, heavier bleeding and passing clots but I just monitored everything closely and ended up being fine. Over the next week, things calmed down a bit. I still had bleeding but the cramping lessened. It took about 18 days after surgery to switch from a pad to pantyliner and for the cramps to completely subside. I did continue to pass some small amounts of clots/tissue up until 16 days after surgery. Another thing to mention is about two weeks after the surgery I started getting REALLY bad headaches and unfortunately that has still continued, I get them an average of 3-4 times per week and at this point I'm just attributing it to hormones. I had a follow up doctors appointment on Monday, Jan 5 and he was slightly concerned that I still had very light bleeding so he ordered a blood test to check my HCG levels and they were still at 5, almost four weeks after surgery. Let me also mention how much it completely sucks to be sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women when your waiting for your post D&C appointment...even worse, I had to go alone because my husband couldn't get off work. My doctor went over the pathology and all the pregnancy tissue tested out normally and he said if I don't start AF on my own in 2 more weeks, I need to go back on Provera...not what I wanted to hear. He also asked when I thought we might start TTC again and I said I don't know...I'm scared. He told me in his experience, that fear will always be there, regardless of waiting 2 months or 2 years. On the plus side, I would be monitored more closely to put my nerves at ease. Overall, I felt like physically it took a solid 4 weeks to feel "normal" again. I'm still struggling emotionally, I'll have great days where I feel like things are getting better but then out of nowhere I feel SO sad and angry that this happened. I'm so sorry for anyone else that has had to go through a loss. It's so difficult and I hope and pray that someday we all get our take home babies. <3