4 DPO - Trying to Let Go

Trying to let go of the fear, worry, stress and anxiety is so difficult. Since August, I've been seeing a counselor bi-weekly and although I've noticed a lot of improvements, it is a long process. I was "officially" diagnosed with anxiety earlier this year (though it's been pretty intense since last autumn) and instead of popping pills, I'm determined to overcome this in the most natural possible way. I had a great visit with my counselor yesterday. I usually start out our sessions by talking about what has caused a lot of stress and anxiety since our last visit. The biggest thing on my mind lately is of course, TTC again. I am SO scared of another loss. Sometimes I wonder if I was truly ready to TTC again. The short answer is maybe, maybe not. I feel like if I didn't jump right back into it, I would find excuse after excuse to keep putting if off until eventually it would be too late. The fact is, I want a baby. I just don't want all of the scary stuff leading up to it. She told me I need to stop worrying about the "what ifs" and live in the right now, today. If, god forbid we have another loss, I will get through it..just like I have every other time. Sometimes I think back to a year ago, before we got our first BFP and wonder what my life would be like now if we never started trying. I believe this past year has made me stronger physically, but weaker emotionally. She told me again, I need to live in the present and also that it's good to recognize your weaknesses and have that balance. I need to realize that I have been through some pretty traumatic experiences this past year and I'm coping the best I can. If we get our BFP this cycle, I have to recognize that this is a NEW pregnancy and it may not turn out like the other ones. I need to take things day by day and focus on the positives, instead of dwelling on the fear and worry.

Until next time,
Ashley

Oct. 15 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Putting this video together has been so heartbreaking, but therapeutic all at the same time. There's so much more I wanted to say but I could probably make a five hour video and it still wouldn't convey all that I'm feeling. I posted this to my personal Facebook page and it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. All my family and friends now know our story. I don't have to worry about what I say or act like it's some huge secret or something to be ashamed of, because it's not. This was my very first video I've ever put together myself, I'm sure it's far from perfect in  your eyes. To me, it's everything I was hoping for. Click on the link if you'd like to see.



http://www.kizoa.com/Online-Movie-Maker/d25628962kP235180567o2l1/infertility

Update!

I took a little bit of a hiatus because even though I will always be honest and tell it like it is, I got tired of feeling like I was only writing about negative things. Quite a bit has changed since my last post in August. I had a follow up Doctors appointment and he seemed just as lost as we are as to why we've had recurrent pregnancy loss. There is literally no other tests that can be ran on my husband or myself. I don't want to believe the fact that it's just "bad luck" but I know I also need to work on accepting things as they are. My Doctor said in about 50% of cases, there is never an exact reason found for recurrent pregnancy loss. It's been a really difficult decision to come to, but my husband and I have decided to keep trying to get pregnant. We have been told we have 50/50 odds of a successful pregnancy and although hearing that scares the shit out of me, I didn't come this far to give up now. I have been through just about every type of miscarriage and I'm a stronger person because of it. If we get pregnant and it's another loss, we will handle it just like we've handled it every other time. I feel like since I've been seeing a counselor for my anxiety (which was definitely intensified since the losses) I've made a lot of improvements. I've learned I can't always be in control of everything and sometimes I just need to let go and allow things to fall into place. That's the approach I'm taking with TTC. It does no good to stress about beta numbers and ultrasounds and worrying about the past because I will not have the power to change the outcome. All I can do is be as happy and healthy as possible. Currently I'm on CD 10. We will see what happens, I'm putting all my faith in God now. I will keep you all posted. Thank you for sticking with me!

 Ashley