Feeling lost

Broken....Lost.....Those are the two words that I would use to describe myself these days. I have a really difficult time not blaming myself for our losses. After all, it was MY body that didn't do what it was supposed to. I think these feelings are amplified by the fact that we don't have a medical reason why it keeps happening. I'm a very black and white kind of person, I like need definite answers, no maybe or in between. According to my husband, family and counselor, I have very unrealistic high expectations for myself. I strive for perfection, in everything I do and when I don't attain perfection, I come down extremely hard on myself...What did I do wrong? What can I do differently next time? I am my own worst critic. I know that I will always grieve my babies and what could've been and it isn't that I want to forget them at all, but some days I wish I could just wake up and be over it. Be over the added stress, fear, worry and anxiety that I've been feeling since my miscarriages. I'm scared shitless to get pregnant again. Being told that we have 50/50 chances isn't good enough for me; I've never been a glass half full type of person...I don't consider myself a pessimist...rather a realist. What would be even scarier though is looking back and feeling regret twenty years down the road. At what point is enough, enough? I want to get back to the girl I once was and I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see that girl again..too much has happened. This is what infertility and loss does to a person. The easy answer would be to do something I enjoy, that makes me happy. As sad as it is, I don't even know what I enjoy. My life has been consumed with our inability to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) for over four years. For the life of me, I can't remember what I did for fun before we started this crazy insane journey. For the first time, I'm seriously considering starting an anti-anxiety medication. Everything I've tried up to this point (counselor, yoga, support books, breathing exercises) hasn't made much of a dent in how I'm feeling. I have an appointment scheduled for next week to discuss options with my primary care doctor and I will be sure to update afterwards. I apologize this post has been all over the place, thank you for sticking with me as always <3

Ashley

Cycle #51

As you can probably guess by the title of this post, last months cycle resulted in a BFN. Cycle #50 was not the lucky one for us, and after sulking about it for about two days, I'm ready for cycle #51. Never in my wildest dreams would've I have ever thought getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) would be this difficult, or take this long. This latest BFN hit me hard, I was so certain it would've been our month. I just need to keep reminding myself that God has a bigger plan. Not much else to report, just wanted to make a quick update. Thanks for all the love!


XOXO,
Ashley