Feeling better

Happy Friday everyone! I'm happy to report that I'm genuinely feeling better. I have not taken any of my anxiety medication yet because I haven't felt like I've needed it. I don't know what's changed, honestly. I just have been feeling more at peace lately. Maybe it's getting past the first major holiday or the anniversary of my first surgery, but everyday I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. Don't get me wrong, this is not an overnight thing, I have a LONG way to go in terms of my anxiety and healing in general but for the first time in quite a while, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I had actually deactivated my personal Facebook page on Thanksgiving and ended up re-activating it this week, I discovered I didn't miss it as much as I thought I did...I still only check it about once or twice a day for a couple minutes at a time...just enough to still feel in the loop of everyday events/news. I'm trying to not let little annoyances stress me out anymore...some things are just not worth it! When I get upset about something, I've been stopping myself before I get out of control angry and ask myself if this is something I will still be upset about in 5 days? 5 weeks? 5 months? Most of the time, it's not even something I would be upset about in 5 hours so I try to let it go. I'm still very much a work in progress but I'm so determined to get back to enjoying the little things and living like an average 27 year old! There will ALWAYS be things that go wrong and things that are tough. You will have days that you simply feel like it can't get any worse. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!! Have hope and faith in yourself and you can conquer anything! As always, thank you for always sticking with me!

Ashley

One of the days I've dreaded

It's here...December 9th. I think out of all the dates that bring bad memories, this one is at the top of the list. It's significant for two reasons. 1. Exactly one year ago I said goodbye to my twins as I had my first D&C (first surgery EVER in fact...I was a nervous wreck) and 2. TODAY was supposed to be my due date for my second pregnancy. I remember when I got that positive test back in early April, doing the math to figure out my due date and thought either it was gods way of helping me heal or it was a sick joke. It ended up being the latter. It's currently just after 9 AM and I've managed to keep myself together at work..so far. My first customer of the day however, was a late 30's..maybe 400 lb. woman pregnant with her second baby. I'm not trying to imply she doesn't deserve that baby at all, it's just one more reminder that literally EVERYONE around me seems to be able to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. I have to make an honest effort everyday to not be bitter, some days are better than others. I had an appointment with my primary care Doctor last week to discuss treatment for my anxiety. I'm so grateful that my Doctor is such a remarkable human being. We talked for about an hour, she genuinely cares about me and my concerns with medication. I didn't want a strong medication, I didn't want something habit forming, I didn't want something I would have to be weaned off of and I didn't want a ton of unpleasant side effects (I'm still working on some of my control issues by the way). After discussing many different options, we narrowed it down to Hydroxyzine. It's in the antihistamine family but has been found to help a great deal with anxiety. It's something I can take for two weeks, up to three times each day and then stop taking if I'm feeling better, no problems. I plan to start it this weekend. AF is supposed to be here tomorrow and I want to be sure I'm not pregnant before I start it. That's about all the update I have for you guys, I'm just trying to get through this day and thought I would come on here and vent a bit. Until next time.

Xoxo,
Ashley