Another sad update...

As I look back at my last post on March 19, I can't believe how much has changed in such a short time. I hadn't really been tracking ovulation on a regular basis since my cycle returned after my D&C because since we were taking a break from TTC, I wasn't on any medications and quite honestly, didn't even think I could ovulate on my own (3+ years of daily opks told me so). I took an ovulation test on Monday, March 23 and it was REALLY positive. I had a moment of panic because my husband and I hadn't used any kind of protection the few days prior and I was scared it was too soon emotionally, after my loss to potentially be pregnant again. SURPRISE! I got my  BFP on Easter Sunday (April 5)! I was shocked, overjoyed, scared, excited, anxious, nervous and about 20 other adjectives! We told my parents, mother in law and siblings that day. Over the next few days I had gone in for bloodwork and my beta levels were doubling on average in about 30 hours! My due date was calculated as December 9, 2015. That date is especially significant because it would be exactly one year after my D&C, and the date I said goodbye to my 11 week twins. My first ultrasound was scheduled for April 27, when I would be almost 8 weeks along. The few weeks in between my BFP and ultrasound are all a blur looking back now. I remember feeling scared because I had NO symptoms like I did last time...I wasn't tired, no sore boobs, no food aversions...nothing! My husband, family and doctor all kept reassuring me that we had GREAT chances this time and that my bloodwork was looking phenomenal. The day finally came, we walked into the same ultrasound room as the last time we got bad news. The ultrasound tech examined my ovaries, tubes and took what felt like 20 minutes of different measurements and pictures and then finally got a clear picture of the gestational sac. We saw a yolk sac and really odd looking tissue. It looked like two small circular lumps. I could tell my husband was still hopeful but the moment I saw a clear picture, I knew. I knew exactly what I should've seen at 7, almost 8 weeks pregnant and that wasn't it. Even the ultrasound tech made a comment about not being sure what to measure because the tissue looked so abnormal. She printed off several pictures to show the Doctor as we were walked into an exam room. Because I already knew the news was not good, the tears were flowing. One thing that still upsets me is that in 2 pregnancies, 3 ultrasounds (1 abdominal, 2 transvaginal) I have yet to get a sonogram picture to take home. After a few minutes, my Doctor walked in and said the same words as last time.."I'm not seeing what I would like to be". He said the tissue was very abnormal and there was no cardiac activity. I asked what my options were and he said I could pass the tissue on my own, or we could do another D&C later that week. My Doctor has never been one to push me in any certain direction, but he did recommend doing the D&C because he was concerned this pregnancy could be a partial molar (http://www.webmd.com/baby/tc/molar-pregnancy-topic-overview). If I were to pass the tissue at home naturally, there would be nothing for pathology to test and verify and I would be left with feeling even more anxious. So on Thursday, April 30, I went in for my second D&C within 5 months. Overall, everything was very similar to the first time as far as the procedure itself and recovery. My Doctor did call the next day and informed me the tissue was NOT molar, so that was a huge relief. At this point, my husband and I are both 95-98% sure we will be done trying for good. I have a post-op appointment at the end of the month and we will be getting some genetic testing done just to see if we can get some kind of answers as to why we are now in the "recurrent miscarriage" category. I'm also looking into getting an IUD. We are sure we want a long term contraceptive, but nothing permanent (like a vasectomy) as of now. A special thanks to my Instagram TTC family for the overwhelming support! I'm not sure at this point what direction this blog will go. I will keep you updated with results of genetic testing but after that, it may turn into more of a lifestyle/travel blog. Thank you for sticking with me! <3