Another sad update...

As I look back at my last post on March 19, I can't believe how much has changed in such a short time. I hadn't really been tracking ovulation on a regular basis since my cycle returned after my D&C because since we were taking a break from TTC, I wasn't on any medications and quite honestly, didn't even think I could ovulate on my own (3+ years of daily opks told me so). I took an ovulation test on Monday, March 23 and it was REALLY positive. I had a moment of panic because my husband and I hadn't used any kind of protection the few days prior and I was scared it was too soon emotionally, after my loss to potentially be pregnant again. SURPRISE! I got my  BFP on Easter Sunday (April 5)! I was shocked, overjoyed, scared, excited, anxious, nervous and about 20 other adjectives! We told my parents, mother in law and siblings that day. Over the next few days I had gone in for bloodwork and my beta levels were doubling on average in about 30 hours! My due date was calculated as December 9, 2015. That date is especially significant because it would be exactly one year after my D&C, and the date I said goodbye to my 11 week twins. My first ultrasound was scheduled for April 27, when I would be almost 8 weeks along. The few weeks in between my BFP and ultrasound are all a blur looking back now. I remember feeling scared because I had NO symptoms like I did last time...I wasn't tired, no sore boobs, no food aversions...nothing! My husband, family and doctor all kept reassuring me that we had GREAT chances this time and that my bloodwork was looking phenomenal. The day finally came, we walked into the same ultrasound room as the last time we got bad news. The ultrasound tech examined my ovaries, tubes and took what felt like 20 minutes of different measurements and pictures and then finally got a clear picture of the gestational sac. We saw a yolk sac and really odd looking tissue. It looked like two small circular lumps. I could tell my husband was still hopeful but the moment I saw a clear picture, I knew. I knew exactly what I should've seen at 7, almost 8 weeks pregnant and that wasn't it. Even the ultrasound tech made a comment about not being sure what to measure because the tissue looked so abnormal. She printed off several pictures to show the Doctor as we were walked into an exam room. Because I already knew the news was not good, the tears were flowing. One thing that still upsets me is that in 2 pregnancies, 3 ultrasounds (1 abdominal, 2 transvaginal) I have yet to get a sonogram picture to take home. After a few minutes, my Doctor walked in and said the same words as last time.."I'm not seeing what I would like to be". He said the tissue was very abnormal and there was no cardiac activity. I asked what my options were and he said I could pass the tissue on my own, or we could do another D&C later that week. My Doctor has never been one to push me in any certain direction, but he did recommend doing the D&C because he was concerned this pregnancy could be a partial molar (http://www.webmd.com/baby/tc/molar-pregnancy-topic-overview). If I were to pass the tissue at home naturally, there would be nothing for pathology to test and verify and I would be left with feeling even more anxious. So on Thursday, April 30, I went in for my second D&C within 5 months. Overall, everything was very similar to the first time as far as the procedure itself and recovery. My Doctor did call the next day and informed me the tissue was NOT molar, so that was a huge relief. At this point, my husband and I are both 95-98% sure we will be done trying for good. I have a post-op appointment at the end of the month and we will be getting some genetic testing done just to see if we can get some kind of answers as to why we are now in the "recurrent miscarriage" category. I'm also looking into getting an IUD. We are sure we want a long term contraceptive, but nothing permanent (like a vasectomy) as of now. A special thanks to my Instagram TTC family for the overwhelming support! I'm not sure at this point what direction this blog will go. I will keep you updated with results of genetic testing but after that, it may turn into more of a lifestyle/travel blog. Thank you for sticking with me! <3

Dealing with anxiety

I've always considered myself an anxious person but I also felt like I had a good grasp on controlling it. I've noticed since my loss, that doesn't seem to be true anymore. My first anxiety attack was the day I went back to work after my D&C and I thought it was a one time thing. Fast forward a few weeks and I noticed I was increasingly more anxious about things that didn't used to bother me in my daily life. Things like driving to work; I felt like everyone was going to blow a stop sign and t-bone me. I would find myself clenching my steering wheel, holding my breath and waiting for impact through every intersection. If someone sneezed around me, or mentioned they were feeling under the weather, I would panic and drench my hands in sanitizer and disinfect every surface around me and brace myself for getting sick. My husband noticed these changes and in an effort to help, he purchased a lush bath bomb for me and sent me to my parents house when they were out of town to relax in their giant jacuzzi tub. That's when I realized this was more than I could handle. I had a scary bad panic attack while in the tub. I got this overwhelming fear that I would pass out and drown (crazy, I know). My face got flushed, I felt hot and dizzy and I could FEEL my heartbeat in my legs and arms. I had also been experiencing chest pain during this time and that wasn't helping my fears of something horrible happening to me. I decided it was time to make an appointment with my family doctor. Surprise, surprise I was diagnosed with anxiety (the chest pain was costochondritis..an annoying but harmless inflammation of the cartilage in my chest). She prescribed hydroxyzine, which is much less scary than medications that are habit forming like xanax, but I have yet to take one and they've been prescribed for about a month now. I. Hate. Medication. In an effort to try a more holistic approach, I've started practicing yoga a few times each week and I also have my first acupuncture appointment scheduled for next Monday. I also looked into seeing a counselor to talk through my anxiety but my super lovely $750/mo health insurance doesn't cover it and the place in my town is $250/hr, which is more than I'm wanting to spend right now. I don't want to blame ALL of this as a result of my miscarriage, because like I said before I've always been an anxious person but on a scale of 0-10, it has gone from a 2-3 to probably 8 since my loss. I guess because I feared a miscarriage from the very beginning of my pregnancy, and it ended up happening, I fear all these other horrible things happening to me. That's all for now, I will update after my first acupuncture appointment next week. I just wanted to share one of the many "side effects" of miscarriage that a lot of people don't always talk about. Thinking of  you all <3

Ashley

TTC Update

Happy Tuesday everyone. It's been exactly 8 weeks since my D&C. I've had a few friends and family members ask when we might "try" again. There is no simple answer quite frankly. I don't feel anywhere close to being emotionally or physically ready. I'm still dealing with a lot of emotional ups and downs since losing my twins and I really need to deal with those feelings before getting pregnant again. Physically, as selfish as it may sound, I just want a few months of feeling GOOD. Before I got pregnant, the medication made me feel crappy, then I dealt with pregnancy symptoms, then recovering from the D&C. It's been about 6 months of feeling like shit and I'm ready for a little bit of a break. I've also discussed with my husband the option of fostering to adopt. I want to be a mother and I don't know if I can take another loss again. I know some women have recurring miscarriages and can be strong and move on and try again but after trying for over 3 years only to have lost not one, but two babies. It's a pain I can't even put into words. So that's where I'm at. This is definitely not the end of the road for us but more like a time out..

Hello old friend...

So my body must HATE Provera. I've only actually taken it once, though it's been prescribed four times. The very first time I was supposed to take it was last February, after AF was absent for over four months. The day before I was supposed to start it, AF appeared naturally. Fast forward to last September, prescribed again and I took it for all 10 days, and AF showed up 11 days later. The third time I was going to start taking it was in late October and that is when I took a pregnancy test before I was to begin taking Provera that evening and it was positive. Now this latest time...AF hadn't appeared 4-6 weeks after my D&C like it was supposed to which I wasn't surprised by since I still had hcg in my system 4 weeks post D&C. My doctor called the prescription in towards the end of last week and I was going to pick it up last night and begin taking it that evening. SURPRISE SURPRISE!! AF showed up yesterday afternoon. So one day shy of 7 weeks after my D&C AF finally showed up. To be honest, I had some mixed emotions, I was happy with my body for letting it happen naturally but it was also yet another sign of not being pregnant anymore. I haven't had a period start even close to on time in over 10 years so I'm crossing my fingers that things will be more regular from here on out. It would be such a relief to get pregnant without medication forcing a period and then forcing ovulation. Hope everyone is having a great beginning to their week, if you're getting hammered by the huge snowstorm out east, stay safe!


-Ashley

A little bit of everything tag!

Good (early) morning everyone! I thought since I've been sad lately and things have been pretty "heavy" on my page, I would do something fun and lighthearted! I actually love doing tags, I think it's a great way to get to know someone. Let's get to the questions!


1. Do you keep up with the Kardashians? Not really. I do like Khloe..I think she's hilarious but as far as the show I'll only tune in if nothing else is on!

2. If you could have an old muscle car which one would you choose? 1960s Chevelle

3. Do you curse like a sailor when nobody is around? Sometimes (usually when I'm driving)...I think everyone has their moments!

4. If your significant other gave you a 'Hall Pass' who would you use it on? Be honest. Definitely not! I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

5. What is one thing you do that you hate to admit? Over-analyze things and take things too personally.

6. Do you really brush your teeth in the morning and at night? Be honest. NO! But I'm not gross...I promise! I still brush my teeth 2x/day but it's after lunch and before bed. I just can't brush them in the morning...I gag but I do use mouthwash in the morning!

7. What is your go-to drink at Starbucks? It's been several months since I've gone but my go-to drink was always a grande skim iced peppermint white chocolate mocha latte with no whip...that's a mouthful!

8. Is your current hair color your real hair color? No, it might as well be because it's grown out so much but my natural color is a crappy shade of ashy blonde.

9. If you could swap bodies with someone, who would it be and why? Jennifer Lawrence. I think she's pretty and fit without looking unhealthy skinny.

10. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If so, what did you think? No and I don't have much interest...just not my favorite genre of books.

11. Do you crack your knuckles? NO and I can't stand when others do it around me! STOP THE MADNESS!

12. Have you accidentally text messaged someone something you were suppose to be sending to your special someone? Yes, but it wasn't anything filthy. I think it was a boring "what do you want for dinner" question! 

13. Have you ever created a fake profile to creep on someone? No, I'm not a psycho.

14. Which is your weakness- cookies or pastries? I'm a sucker for cookies!

15. What do you love about yourself? I actually love my sense of humor and the amount of compassion that I have for others.

16. Do you have to match your nail polish to your toe nail polish? No, at the moment my fingernails are plain and my toe nails are Julep "Valerie"

17. Tell us a few things about you that people would be surprised to know about you. I started my first after school/weekend job when I was 13, I don't eat ANY type of seafood, my husband and I were originally going to do a courthouse wedding RIGHT after I turned 18 because I was VERY serious about enlisting in the Air Force and we didn't want to be separated.

18. Heels or flats? Flats

19. If you could do anything for one day and money wasn't an option, how would you spend your day? Dream big. Buying a s***load of animal toys, food and beds and going to the local shelter and spending the day spoiling all the cats and dogs that don't have homes.

20. What was the last YouTube video you watched? TheNotSoOrdinaryWife doing this tag!

21. Do you have road rage? Little bit...

22. What is your favorite Rock 'n' Roll song? Whitesnake "Here I go again on my own"

23. Who was your first kiss? Do you still talk to them? Marcus...we are Facebook friends but we don't socialize outside of that.

24. If you could have one YouTuber's closet whose would it be? Jennifer Ross...(organizedjen, myhousewifelife, busybeebuzz) her style is mature yet fun!

25. If you could have one YouTuber's makeup collection, whose would it be? MakeupbyTiffanyD

26. Do you have a nickname? Pumpkin (mom) Stinky (dad) Trashy Ashy (sister)...my family loves me! lol

27. How many cars have you had? What were they? 2! My very first car in 2004 was a 1996 Lumina and I had it for 10 years and currently I drive a 2006 Trailblazer.

29. What's your favorite pizza? Thin crust with mushrooms and onions.

30. If you could only have 1 lipstick for the rest of your life which lipstick would you choose? I don't wear lipstick...but if I picked a chapstick/lip gloss it would be Burts Bees




I TAG ALL OF YOU!!! Have a good weekend!

XOXO,
Ashley

My (detailed) D&C Experience

I've never had any kind of surgery before (not even wisdom teeth) so I had a ton of anxiety because I had no clue what to expect. I knew I didn't have much of a choice, my babies were gone and because my doctor suspected a blighted ovum, it could take weeks to pass the tissue on my own and with every passing day, the risk of infection increases. The hospital I go to is about 20-25 minutes away and I needed to be there at 6 AM the morning of the surgery (Tuesday, Dec. 9). Within 10 minutes of my arrival I had my IV started. I have no problem with needles, but it did burn for about the first 20 minutes. My nurse was amazing...constantly making sure I was comfortable. Next, both my doctor and anesthesiologist came and spoke to me about the procedure and answered any questions that I had. I didn't want any additional medications than what was absolutely required but I ended up having to get something similar to Valium because my heart rate was elevated (130-140s) and if I would've received the anesthesia at those levels, there was a chance my heart rate could crash. I've never had anything like Valium before but I can tell you, I never want it again! My head felt heavy and overall, I felt drunk. Hated it! At 7:15 I was wheeled back to the operating room and again, had the best nurses I could've hoped for. I started crying; it was a mixture of having to say goodbye to my babies and an overwhelming fear that something will go wrong. The nurses handed me kleenex and held my hand and told me everything would be OK as they put the anesthesia into my IV. I woke up in the recovery room about 1/2 hr after the procedure and didn't have the slightest bit of grogginess. Overall, I felt OK, just some discomfort from the breathing tube and catheter. They monitored my vitals for a few minutes and wheeled me back in the room by my husband. After a little while, they wanted to make sure I could keep liquids down...I wasn't really nauseous but my stomach was still in knots from all the nervousness. I had some water, apple juice and a few saltines and was fine. Lastly, after an hour or two they needed to make sure I could use the restroom with no problems. It hurt SO bad! There was just a slight amount of blood but the worst part was the burning pain from the catheter. They told me to drink plenty of fluids when I got home and the more I urinated, the better it would get. We left the hospital at about 10:30 AM and headed home where I spent the rest of the day on the couch, trying to get sleep. The worst (physical) part about that entire first day was the catheter pain..which didn't end up getting better until the next day and battling insomnia. I didn't have much bleeding that first day, I just used a light days pad. The next afternoon is when I started experience cramping and slightly heavier bleeding, but still no more than a pad over an 8 hour time period. I did take one 200 mg ibuprofen that afternoon and still battled insomnia at night. Thursday was identical to Wednesday as far as bleeding, cramping, insomnia and again I managed pain with just one 200 mg. ibuprofen all day. I did decide on Thursday to pack away all the baby buys and positive pregnancy tests that I kept, it was just becoming too difficult to look at everyday. I had a complete crying on the floor, asking god why kind of breakdown. Embarrassing to admit but I'm going to be 100% honest and tell you the good, bad and ugly. Friday is the day I went back to work, I definitely wasn't ready but I ended up not having a choice as my co-worker had a vacation planned weeks in advance (I work at a VERY small business, so it's nearly impossible to run things when 2 employees are gone). On the drive to work that day, I had a small anxiety attack, just not ready to face customers asking where I had been and broke down in tears in the parking lot. I called my husband and he talked me through it and I went in and handled the day like a champ. Overall, Friday I felt really good physically...I kind of thought it would only get better from this point...boy was I wrong! Saturday morning at about 3 AM I woke up with legit, the worst cramps I've EVER felt in my life. I came into the living room and curled up in a ball and just cried. I was SO close to going to the emergency room but I always have a way of convincing myself I can get through the pain. At about 6 AM I finally choked down a nutri-grain bar so that I could take ibuprofen (my stomach is pretty sensitive to them). I ended up taking two and about an hour later the cramps slowly started to subside, still pretty intense but at least it was manageable. TMI ALERT...during this time of severe cramping, I was also passing some pretty large pieces of tissue and clots when I urinated, they ranged from half dollar to golf ball size. I did email my doctor in that time and he said if I wasn't soaking through more than a pad an hour, I was fine. That day was pure hell. Sunday was a LITTLE bit better. I was in a better mood because Saturday night was the first time I slept for more than 4-5 hours in almost a week. I still had cramping, heavier bleeding and passing clots but I just monitored everything closely and ended up being fine. Over the next week, things calmed down a bit. I still had bleeding but the cramping lessened. It took about 18 days after surgery to switch from a pad to pantyliner and for the cramps to completely subside. I did continue to pass some small amounts of clots/tissue up until 16 days after surgery. Another thing to mention is about two weeks after the surgery I started getting REALLY bad headaches and unfortunately that has still continued, I get them an average of 3-4 times per week and at this point I'm just attributing it to hormones. I had a follow up doctors appointment on Monday, Jan 5 and he was slightly concerned that I still had very light bleeding so he ordered a blood test to check my HCG levels and they were still at 5, almost four weeks after surgery. Let me also mention how much it completely sucks to be sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women when your waiting for your post D&C appointment...even worse, I had to go alone because my husband couldn't get off work. My doctor went over the pathology and all the pregnancy tissue tested out normally and he said if I don't start AF on my own in 2 more weeks, I need to go back on Provera...not what I wanted to hear. He also asked when I thought we might start TTC again and I said I don't know...I'm scared. He told me in his experience, that fear will always be there, regardless of waiting 2 months or 2 years. On the plus side, I would be monitored more closely to put my nerves at ease. Overall, I felt like physically it took a solid 4 weeks to feel "normal" again. I'm still struggling emotionally, I'll have great days where I feel like things are getting better but then out of nowhere I feel SO sad and angry that this happened. I'm so sorry for anyone else that has had to go through a loss. It's so difficult and I hope and pray that someday we all get our take home babies. <3

Sad Update..

Again, I apologize it's been so long since I've last updated. The last several weeks have been the happiest and most devastating of my life. My last post was all about how I would be starting my 2nd round of Provera and Femara. The morning of Thursday, Oct. 30 I took a home pregnancy test, for the sole purpose of ruling out a pregnancy before I began taking my medication again that night. To my utter delight, it was positive! For the first time in our TTC journey, I actually got a positive! I just started yelling and crying and burst into the bedroom and woke my husband up and we just cried and hugged for probably 10 minutes! I have never been so happy in my entire life. On my way to work, I called the doctors office and told them my exciting news, to my surprise all the nurse said I had to do was set up my first 2 prenatal appointments, the first would be Wednesday, Nov. 26..just a bunch of testing and information and my next would be Friday, Dec. 5. I asked if I needed to come in for blood work and she said that HPTs are 99.9% accurate so it wasn't necessary. I hung up the phone, talked to my husband and we both were not satisfied with that! We had been trying for over 3 years, I wanted to know all my levels! I called the doctors office back and basically demanded to get a blood test and after the nurse got approval from my doctor, we went that evening...the next day, I found out my hcg was 148 and my progesterone was 21.5! I was officially pregnant. We told my parents and my husbands mom that weekend and everyone was so excited. I went in for my second beta that next Monday and it was 577. My levels were progressing exactly as they should be. Over the next few weeks, I was definitely starting to FEEL pregnant....sore boobs, extreme tiredness and morning sickness all kicked in. I ended up taking 50 mg vitamin b6 and 1/2 unisom tablet twice a day to combat the nausea so I didn't have to miss any work and it worked wonders! My doctor estimated my due date as June 30, 2015. This entire time, I was quite frustrated with my doctors office...I felt they were very "hands off" about everything. We tried to conceive for so long and had a medicated cycle and they weren't going to be doing my first ultrasound until my 2nd prenatal appointment which is when I was 10w4d. I tried to express my fears and concerns to the nurse but she said my blood work was perfect, I had no history of miscarriage and I wasn't bleeding or cramping so everything was going as smooth as can be. Fast forward to Friday, Dec 5...my husband and I both took off work and we were so thrilled to see and hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. My doctor said he suspected twins because of the medicated cycle and had the nurse get the portable ultrasound machine into the exam room. The screen wasn't facing me but my doctor was silent. He said it was definitely twins but that he wasn't seeing what he wanted to. He shut the machine off and said he would send me to a different room to get an internal ultrasound but wanted to prepare us that it appears this isn't a viable pregnancy. My heart dropped and my husband and I just sat in the exam room and cried. We went into the other ultrasound room and just saw two empty gestational sacs. My doctor suspected a blighted ovum and suggested I schedule a D&C because it could be weeks to pass the tissue naturally. I wanted the weekend to think about it. Aside from all the anger and sadness of losing my babies, I had NEVER had any kind of surgery before. I decided Monday morning (Dec. 8) that I needed to go ahead with the D&C so that I could begin my physical and emotional healing. On Tuesday, Dec. 9 at exactly 11 weeks, I went in for surgery at 7:15 AM. I slept maybe an hour the night before, I was scared sh**less. The surgery was quick, I was awake less than an hour after receiving the anesthesia. I stayed in the recovery room for a few hours and went home later that morning. I will make another post discussing my D&C experience, from what I read online, I feel like I had a rougher recovery than most. As I type this, it's now exactly three weeks after the surgery and emotionally I'm doing as good as I can be. I have an appointment with my doctor next Monday to discuss what pathology found with the tissue as well as discussing the next step in our TTC journey. He's thinking we can start trying again as early as 4 weeks, but I know I won't be ready by then. The silver lining is that I was able to get pregnant, and that is great but I don't know if I could handle another loss like this, I now know what it's like to physically feel your heart breaking. I just don't understand why this is happening to us, we are good people and would make great parents. Life is far from fair sometimes. I will update again after my next appointment.