Update!

I took a little bit of a hiatus because even though I will always be honest and tell it like it is, I got tired of feeling like I was only writing about negative things. Quite a bit has changed since my last post in August. I had a follow up Doctors appointment and he seemed just as lost as we are as to why we've had recurrent pregnancy loss. There is literally no other tests that can be ran on my husband or myself. I don't want to believe the fact that it's just "bad luck" but I know I also need to work on accepting things as they are. My Doctor said in about 50% of cases, there is never an exact reason found for recurrent pregnancy loss. It's been a really difficult decision to come to, but my husband and I have decided to keep trying to get pregnant. We have been told we have 50/50 odds of a successful pregnancy and although hearing that scares the shit out of me, I didn't come this far to give up now. I have been through just about every type of miscarriage and I'm a stronger person because of it. If we get pregnant and it's another loss, we will handle it just like we've handled it every other time. I feel like since I've been seeing a counselor for my anxiety (which was definitely intensified since the losses) I've made a lot of improvements. I've learned I can't always be in control of everything and sometimes I just need to let go and allow things to fall into place. That's the approach I'm taking with TTC. It does no good to stress about beta numbers and ultrasounds and worrying about the past because I will not have the power to change the outcome. All I can do is be as happy and healthy as possible. Currently I'm on CD 10. We will see what happens, I'm putting all my faith in God now. I will keep you all posted. Thank you for sticking with me!

 Ashley

 

My new normal

Hi everyone! Long time...I know! Not a ton has changed since my last update. Because of the way I responded to the Methotrexate injections, my official diagnosis was an ectopic pregnancy in June. My betas went down to zero within about 3 weeks of the shots. So, if you're keeping track, that makes for my 3rd pregnancy lost (4th baby) in approximately 6 months. I feel like I've gotten so used to the heartbreak and disappointment. The day of the Methotrexate injections (in the parking lot to be exact) my husband and I agreed we were done trying for good. We even went so far as to schedule a vasectomy consultation for this November. If any of you have been on this journey, you know that you change your mind a ton, it's a constant struggle within yourself. I honestly have no clue what I want to do at this point. Part of me doesn't want to give up, but I also don't want to face another loss. The real exciting news is in July I approached my Doctor and asked for ANY other testing that could be done. I cannot stand not having an answer. He said one of the last tests we could order is Genetic Karyotyping (https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003935.htm ) on both my husband and myself. After originally being rejected by our insurance company, my Doctor appealed their decision and eventually it was approved. We just got our results last week and they came back normal for both of us. On one hand I'm thrilled because having chromosomal issues can cause other serious problems later in life but we also didn't get the answers we so desperately desire. Another exciting piece of information is I finally started seeing a counselor for my anxiety. I was always a strong believer in working your problems out on your own but in a few short visits, I can already see an improvement in my anxiety levels. I have a long road ahead of me (thanks infertility) but I'm getting there. That's all for now!


Xoxo,
Ashley

Heading in the right direction!

Hi everyone! When I last updated, my beta went from 115 down to 65 only 4 days after my Methotrexate injection. I had another beta 3 days later and that one came back at 26! I was starting to get very nervous that my number was either going back up or staying the same. I had taken a Dollar Tree pregnancy test the morning of my latest beta and got a faint line. After much research, those are supposed to detect levels of 25 or higher so looking back and knowing that my beta was 26...those buggers are sensitive! Anways, that same day, around lunch time I started getting some intense period like cramping (the day before I experienced spotting, but no cramping). By the next morning (6/19) I was getting debilitating cramps and passing a lot of large clots. It was super fun at work because ALL of my co-workers are male so of course I had to act like everything was peachy. I contacted my Dr and he said it all sounded normal...I had to "pass" what he now believed was indeed a new, ectopic pregnancy (this is based on how I responded to the methotrexate and symptoms I had experienced since the shots). Saturday was just as bad, if not worse than Friday as far as bleeding and cramping. I wasn't soaking through pads consistently but between being on my feet hosting a bridal shower, being in the heat/humidity all day and the bleeding, I came SO close to passing out several times. By Sunday things had calmed down to the point that it felt like a regular period. Today is Wednesday and cramps are gone and I'm spotting just a miniscule amount. I go in for another beta tomorrow morning and I'm hoping it'll be my last for a while. I'm ready to put this nightmare behind me. I don't think I've slept more than 6 hours a night in the last three weeks. I just can't seem to shut my mind off at night and I'm so stressed and worried about how this will all turn out. I will keep you all posted after I get my results tomorrow!

Thanks for all the support!
-Ashley

Short Update

Hey everyone! As promised, I have the results of what my 3rd beta was and what has been done since then. Last update, my beta was 91 (6/3) and 111 (6/5). When I went in on 6/10 it only rose to 115. Clearly, if this was a new pregnancy it's impossible that it's viable, based on those numbers alone. My Doctor decided he wanted to try giving me a Methotrexate (http://www.drugs.com/methotrexate.html) injection before we moved forward with additional surgeries. On Thursday, June 11 I went in and got 2 shots. Other than a mild burning sensation the experience wasn't terrible. I returned to work the next day and the only side effects I really noticed were fatigue, mild/moderate cramping and occasional nausea. By 5 days post injection I experienced VERY light spotting. Overall, it really wasn't bad. The best part about the whole experience was my beta level on 6/15...my Doctor told me not to get discouraged with the first beta too much because for many people the shot doesn't even start working for 3-4 days so he was hoping for a 15% drop at best. My result was 65! My beta dropped by 50 in only 4 days! I have my next beta tomorrow morning and I'm hoping to be around 40. IF I end up plateauing at a certain level, I will most likely have to still go in for a third D&C. I don't know if another methotrexate injection will be an option but I would be willing to try it before going through surgery again. That is all for now, I will be sure to update again in a few days.

Whirlwind

I feel like it's been an eternity since I've posted something other than bad news on my blog. Unfortunately that's just the way things have been the last several months. I keep thinking to myself...who did I piss off so much to get all this bad karma. Things have been overwhelming, to say the least.

So like I mentioned in my last post, I had my post-op appointment on Friday, May 29. We discussed various testing that could be done to determine why we're in the "recurrent miscarriage" category now and also talked about contraceptives. I mentioned to my Doctor that my cycle hadn't returned yet (4w1d post op) and he said we'd give it another 2 weeks or so and I may have to take Provera again. I also decided I wanted to try the Mirena IUD so when my cycle did return, we would make that appointment and get that placed. Fast forward a few days (Wednesday, June 3 to be exact) I had the strongest gut feeling to take an ovulation test, and it was very positive. I thought it was odd but not unheard of to ovulate that late after a D&C and continued with my morning routine and then headed to work. That whole morning at work I kept thinking about that test. I came to the realization that the only times I've ever had THAT positive of an ovulation test, I was pregnant. I rushed home on my lunch break, made a pit stop at the drug store and bought a box of FRER tests. I only had about an hour hold on my urine so I was wondering if anything would come up...and it did. I was freaking the f out. I called my Doctors office about 10 minutes after I took the test and they wanted me to come in for a beta that day. I went in for my beta at 2 pm and by 4 pm they called and said the results came back at 91. I asked the nurse a MILLION questions...Is it safe to be pregnant this soon after a D&C? Would there be any lining for the baby to attach to? Is this even a new pregnancy? She answered what she could and scheduled me to come in 2 days later, Friday June 5, for another beta and said we will know more then. I went in that Friday and also requested to have all my blood clotting/genetic testing done at the same time. I figured if this is a new pregnancy, we will want to know these other results asap! After having SIXTEEN vials of blood taken, I continued on with my day. I actually had the day off work and was spending it with my sister who happens to live in the same town as my Doctors office. That afternoon the nurse called with my results...111. My beta level only went up by 20 in 2 days. She said my Doctor wanted to do an internal ultrasound and asked how quickly I could be there. Fifteen minutes later I was in the Doctors office. I had the ultrasound done and went into an exam room and waited. My Doctor came in and said he doesn't know what is going on...not something that is very comforting to hear! My ultrasound was basically inconclusive. He said we are dealing with one of three options:

1. New pregnancy, that based on the beta numbers will most likely end in miscarriage.  (possible blighted ovum or ectopic)
2. Leftover tissue from my last D&C
3. Gestational Trophoblastic Disease (http://www.cancer.org/cancer/gestationaltrophoblasticdisease/detailedguide/gestational-trophoblastic-disease-what-is-g-t-d)

If it is a new pregnancy, it's too early to see much of anything on the ultrasound. If it's leftover tissue, it is such a miniscule amount that the ultrasound isn't really picking up a good image of it. And if it's GTD, it's in the earliest of stages...which is also too difficult to see. So he suggested getting a third beta this Wednesday, June 10. Based on the numbers, that will hopefully give us a better idea as to what is happening. My options will either be Methotrexate to treat both GTD or possible ectopic pregnancy, or another D&C to remove leftover tissue or possible blighted ovum. So these are the cards we've been dealt at this point. I will try my best to update on here after my third beta results. Please keep us in your prayers this week! <3


Here are some of the pictures to sum up this crazy week....

The OPK I took the morning of 6/3

First FRER taken on my lunch break on 6/3

Another sad update...

As I look back at my last post on March 19, I can't believe how much has changed in such a short time. I hadn't really been tracking ovulation on a regular basis since my cycle returned after my D&C because since we were taking a break from TTC, I wasn't on any medications and quite honestly, didn't even think I could ovulate on my own (3+ years of daily opks told me so). I took an ovulation test on Monday, March 23 and it was REALLY positive. I had a moment of panic because my husband and I hadn't used any kind of protection the few days prior and I was scared it was too soon emotionally, after my loss to potentially be pregnant again. SURPRISE! I got my  BFP on Easter Sunday (April 5)! I was shocked, overjoyed, scared, excited, anxious, nervous and about 20 other adjectives! We told my parents, mother in law and siblings that day. Over the next few days I had gone in for bloodwork and my beta levels were doubling on average in about 30 hours! My due date was calculated as December 9, 2015. That date is especially significant because it would be exactly one year after my D&C, and the date I said goodbye to my 11 week twins. My first ultrasound was scheduled for April 27, when I would be almost 8 weeks along. The few weeks in between my BFP and ultrasound are all a blur looking back now. I remember feeling scared because I had NO symptoms like I did last time...I wasn't tired, no sore boobs, no food aversions...nothing! My husband, family and doctor all kept reassuring me that we had GREAT chances this time and that my bloodwork was looking phenomenal. The day finally came, we walked into the same ultrasound room as the last time we got bad news. The ultrasound tech examined my ovaries, tubes and took what felt like 20 minutes of different measurements and pictures and then finally got a clear picture of the gestational sac. We saw a yolk sac and really odd looking tissue. It looked like two small circular lumps. I could tell my husband was still hopeful but the moment I saw a clear picture, I knew. I knew exactly what I should've seen at 7, almost 8 weeks pregnant and that wasn't it. Even the ultrasound tech made a comment about not being sure what to measure because the tissue looked so abnormal. She printed off several pictures to show the Doctor as we were walked into an exam room. Because I already knew the news was not good, the tears were flowing. One thing that still upsets me is that in 2 pregnancies, 3 ultrasounds (1 abdominal, 2 transvaginal) I have yet to get a sonogram picture to take home. After a few minutes, my Doctor walked in and said the same words as last time.."I'm not seeing what I would like to be". He said the tissue was very abnormal and there was no cardiac activity. I asked what my options were and he said I could pass the tissue on my own, or we could do another D&C later that week. My Doctor has never been one to push me in any certain direction, but he did recommend doing the D&C because he was concerned this pregnancy could be a partial molar (http://www.webmd.com/baby/tc/molar-pregnancy-topic-overview). If I were to pass the tissue at home naturally, there would be nothing for pathology to test and verify and I would be left with feeling even more anxious. So on Thursday, April 30, I went in for my second D&C within 5 months. Overall, everything was very similar to the first time as far as the procedure itself and recovery. My Doctor did call the next day and informed me the tissue was NOT molar, so that was a huge relief. At this point, my husband and I are both 95-98% sure we will be done trying for good. I have a post-op appointment at the end of the month and we will be getting some genetic testing done just to see if we can get some kind of answers as to why we are now in the "recurrent miscarriage" category. I'm also looking into getting an IUD. We are sure we want a long term contraceptive, but nothing permanent (like a vasectomy) as of now. A special thanks to my Instagram TTC family for the overwhelming support! I'm not sure at this point what direction this blog will go. I will keep you updated with results of genetic testing but after that, it may turn into more of a lifestyle/travel blog. Thank you for sticking with me! <3

Dealing with anxiety

I've always considered myself an anxious person but I also felt like I had a good grasp on controlling it. I've noticed since my loss, that doesn't seem to be true anymore. My first anxiety attack was the day I went back to work after my D&C and I thought it was a one time thing. Fast forward a few weeks and I noticed I was increasingly more anxious about things that didn't used to bother me in my daily life. Things like driving to work; I felt like everyone was going to blow a stop sign and t-bone me. I would find myself clenching my steering wheel, holding my breath and waiting for impact through every intersection. If someone sneezed around me, or mentioned they were feeling under the weather, I would panic and drench my hands in sanitizer and disinfect every surface around me and brace myself for getting sick. My husband noticed these changes and in an effort to help, he purchased a lush bath bomb for me and sent me to my parents house when they were out of town to relax in their giant jacuzzi tub. That's when I realized this was more than I could handle. I had a scary bad panic attack while in the tub. I got this overwhelming fear that I would pass out and drown (crazy, I know). My face got flushed, I felt hot and dizzy and I could FEEL my heartbeat in my legs and arms. I had also been experiencing chest pain during this time and that wasn't helping my fears of something horrible happening to me. I decided it was time to make an appointment with my family doctor. Surprise, surprise I was diagnosed with anxiety (the chest pain was costochondritis..an annoying but harmless inflammation of the cartilage in my chest). She prescribed hydroxyzine, which is much less scary than medications that are habit forming like xanax, but I have yet to take one and they've been prescribed for about a month now. I. Hate. Medication. In an effort to try a more holistic approach, I've started practicing yoga a few times each week and I also have my first acupuncture appointment scheduled for next Monday. I also looked into seeing a counselor to talk through my anxiety but my super lovely $750/mo health insurance doesn't cover it and the place in my town is $250/hr, which is more than I'm wanting to spend right now. I don't want to blame ALL of this as a result of my miscarriage, because like I said before I've always been an anxious person but on a scale of 0-10, it has gone from a 2-3 to probably 8 since my loss. I guess because I feared a miscarriage from the very beginning of my pregnancy, and it ended up happening, I fear all these other horrible things happening to me. That's all for now, I will update after my first acupuncture appointment next week. I just wanted to share one of the many "side effects" of miscarriage that a lot of people don't always talk about. Thinking of  you all <3

Ashley