Meeting my son soon!

In less than 24 hours my son will be here! At the last growth scan it was determined that he ran the risks of something called shoulder dystocia, which means if I tried to deliver vaginally, there was a good chance he could get stuck at the shoulders. This becomes an emergency situation within minutes. It was decided that the safest option for both he and I would be to schedule a c-section. I obviously don't love the idea of surgery but I will do whatever is necessary to get him here safe. I'm glad I never had my heart set on a birth plan after finding out I no longer qualified for a water birth (thanks to gestational diabetes). I feel like I would've taken the news of a cesarean much worse. My feelings of excitement leading up to his birthday are being overshadowed by my own fears and anxiety. I think what is messing with me the most is being wheeled into the same operating room, with the same Doctor where I had my 2 D&Cs and believing that I will get to leave that room with a baby this time. It's also the fear of the unknown..I'm nervous about having an incision to take care of, having to take it easy, the long recovery and being awake while I'm getting the procedure done. I've had two appointments with my counselor since scheduling the cesarean because I can't get over the fear of something going wrong. It's such a shitty feeling feeling like you're counting down the days to your death rather than what is the best day of your life. I find myself making sure my husband knows where all the passwords to our online accounts are and making sure he knows where my life insurance policies are located and tying up any loose ends in case I don't make it. Then it's a whole different battle feeling like because I'm thinking this way that I will jinx myself. Anxiety is an ugly, ugly thing and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm trying my very hardest to put my fears aside and tell myself that this is our time and after over 5 years of struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss, we deserve this and things will work out. I'm genuinely going to miss being pregnant and feeling him kick and wiggle inside but I can't wait to see his precious face that is the perfect mixture of my husband and I. I will update as soon as I can after we BOTH make it through delivery!!


Love,
Ashley