It's been a while....

Wow, two years. It feels like so much has changed but yet everything still seems the same. We are still living in the same place and I still have the same job however my husband switched jobs and he is absolutely loving what he does. Declan is doing incredible. Motherhood has been the most challenging, frustrating, stressful, wonderful, amazing thing I've ever experienced. It is so true when people say "the days are long, but the years are short". My baby is going to be THREE in just a few short months. I'll try to recap as best I can on what has been going on....

Summer/Fall 2017 was kind of rough for Declan in terms of health. We dealt with numerous colds, roseola, pneumonia and croup. The roseola and pneumonia were both ER visits and very scary. We were told that because of Declan's conditions at birth, he would be more prone to respiratory illnesses the first two years of this life - they weren't lying.

In July 2017 Declan was put into our local Birth to 3 program for troubles eating. This is something I touched on lightly in a previous blog post - mentioning that he struggled with the texture of any solid food; at that time he was only 7 months old so it wasn't a huge concern but after a few more months we thought it best to be proactive. He had an initial evaluation at our home with 3 therapists (2 occupational, 1 speech) and they observed him eating and assigned him to a therapist that would come to our home bi-weekly. He never got an official "diagnosis" but he would gag and throw up with any texture more than a stage 1 puree. Therapy continued for exactly one year and was a godsend and he has been doing fantastic with food ever since he graduated from the program.

First Birthday 9/27/17 - We had a huge party at my parent's house. It was a lot of fun. It was puppy themed which was (and continues to be) his favorite animal. We had almost 30 people show up, ordered pizzas, had a ball pit for the kids and Declan was very spoiled with a TON of gifts.

In November 2017 (at 13 months old) Declan officially started walking and he quickly went from walking to running in about two weeks!

- Then things slowed down a little bit, which was very welcomed after the crazy Summer -

Summer/Fall 2018 we had a ton of fun, we took our first longer road trip/vacation with Declan and went about 3 hours north for a long weekend by the lake. Declan went on his first boat ride and seemed to enjoy it. Because winters are so long here, we really try to maximize our time when the weather is nice; so we made it to just about every zoo in the state. We also had a children's museum membership so we visited there often. We also had many visits to the splash pad.

In July 2018 I quit pumping after 22 months.

Second Birthday 9/27/18 - Instead of a party this year, we decided to have an entire week of fun. My husband and I both took a week off work and we went to Wisconsin Dells for a few days and invited Declan's godfather and his girlfriend along. It was an awesome time. However, the day we came back we ended up going to urgent care where Declan was diagnosed with Croup for the second year in a row. We caught it early and started steroids so fortunately he was only under the weather for two days. After the sickness passed, we spent our remaining days at a huge children's museum out of town and the last day was spent at a local pumpkin patch. It was the most quality time we had a as family since Declan's birth. We decided that until Declan can decide, we will do a party every other year and give him "experiences" the years in between.

This past winter was again, pretty uneventful (fortunately). In regards to health, Declan just had one REALLY bad cold that lasted about 3 weeks and kicked all of our butts simultaneously. The only other big news is that I decided to go back to school. When I was 18 (many moons ago), I signed up for the Surgical Technology program at my local college. One of the prerequisites was Chemistry and despite my best efforts, I got a C. To the average person this wouldn't be a big deal. However, I have spent my life putting these insanely high expectations on myself. I strive for PERFECTION in everything I do. Trust me, I'm trying to work on it. Anyways, getting that C crushed me and I dropped out of the program and went a "safer" route with Medical Billing. I never pursued work in that field though because it's not where my passion lies. My years of infertility, two D&Cs and my cesarean ignited a fire within me again to pursue my dream again. So, in April 2018 I signed up for the same Surgical Technology program at the same college I was enrolled in 12 years prior. I'm going part-time because I'm still working and mom life but I'm so proud to say I've finished my first year on the Dean's list, was inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society and was just awarded a scholarship for next year. It is A LOT to juggle but I'm also so excited.

Other than that, this Summer is going well so far - crazy amounts of fun..as it should be! I will try to be better about posting. Aside from others reading my journey, it's enjoyable for me to look back on too.

Until next time!


xoxo

Sleeping through the night tips!

Every baby is different but here are my tips for helping to get your infant sleep through the night! While I think a large portion is pure luck, I believe what we did really contributed to our son sleeping a solid 8-10 hours at night as early as 8 weeks old. 

1. Get a routine down and stick to it! 
      - By the time Declan was 5-6 weeks old I started paying much closer attention to how long he went between naps and feedings comfortably. He eventually kind of picked his own napping schedule and I just went with it. Around 6 weeks old we really enacted a stricter bedtime routine. We would *try* to not let him nap past 5 PM but that all depended on how he napped earlier in the day. Starting around 6:45 PM we start a bath, dim down most of the lights in the house, followed by lotion/massage, book and bottle. This time stays very strict whether it's a weekday or weekend. We put him down when he was tired but not asleep. He always falls asleep to some kind of noise, whether it be a sound machine, fan or background TV noise. I never wanted him to only fall asleep to silence because our neighbors homes are fairly close and especially in the summertime you can hear kids playing outside until 9 or 10 PM. 

2. Overnight diapers!
    - I know most overnight diapers aren't available in a smaller size than 3 but Declan was a special case. He was 9 lb and 21" at birth and actually went home in a 0-3 mo outfit. He was in size 3 diapers by the time he was 8 weeks old and being able to use overnight diapers and keep him comfortable throughout the night I also think was important. 

3. Don't overstimulate too late in the day!
    - This is one our families still have trouble grasping it seems. If we are invited to a family get together we always try to leave by 3:30. People call us rigid but it is what it is. The few times we've stayed places up until we needed to start his bedtime routine he struggled a great deal to settle for the evening and it just isn't worth the extra stress for us and disruption in his sleeping. 

4. Ferber method...altered!
    - I am not a believer in letting an infant cry it out but I heard a lot of success stories with the Ferber method. I wasn't comfortable following it exactly, so I altered it to what I wanted. If after we put Declan down for the night he woke up within an hour or two and we knew he didn't fill his diaper and wasn't hungry, we would let him fuss (not cry) for no more than one minute. If he didn't self soothe, we would go in, put our hand on him, let him know we were there and try to soothe him back to sleep and leave the room again. If he began fussing again we would increase the interval to maybe a minute and a half and so on. We would increase the intervals every few nights, never going more than 5 minutes. Again, I want to clear, this was only fussing - NOT crying or screaming. 

5. Room sharing! 
   - Declan is now just over 9 months old and we are still room sharing. I like having him close and truly believe he sleeps better knowing we are close as well. 

6. Sleep sack!
    - Declan could weasel his way out of the tightest swaddle blankets at just a few weeks old so for his safety we transitioned him to the Halo sleep sacks and though he NEVER liked his arms being restrained at night, having the little velcro wrap around his mid section I think made him feel a lot more secure and contributed to a longer, better quality sleep. 



Like I mentioned, every baby is different but I always have people asking what our "secret" is. To be honest, when my husband was a baby, he slept through the night at two weeks old and I was two months old. Maybe it's just in our genes! Hopefully some or all of these tips can help you!

Update...FINALLY!

I can't believe it's been about 5 months since I've last updated. It really is true what they say, time FLIES when you have a little one. Declan is thriving and coming into his awesome personality a little bit more everyday. He is now 7 1/2 months old, closing in on 30" long (HOLY MOLY) and roughly 22 lbs. He is about the size of a 13 month old. He is a little wiggle worm and doesn't stay still for more than 5 seconds at a time, which is keeping us on our toes 24/7! He can say "mama", "dada" and "hi". He can scoot backwards but hasn't quite grasped the mechanics of crawling forward yet but we're thinking it will be any day now. He is still an awesome sleeper and goes an average of 11 hours at night with 3 naps during the day ranging from 20 minutes to 2 hours. I still pump exclusively (which still sucks by the way lol) so he is still breastfed and takes an average of 32 oz/day. We did introduce purees several weeks ago and he doesn't like much. He will tolerate pears, blueberries, bananas and carrots but doesn't eat more than an ounce in one sitting. So far, he HATES sweet potatoes, green beans, avocados and butternut squash. We aren't too concerned at this point because we are believers in the saying "food before one is just for fun". We have also tried, with the approval from our Doctor, giving him small chunks of some food which he is definitely not ready for, he will gag and cough. I'm not sure if it's a texture issue but we're just going to keep working with purees, eventually try thicker ones and try small chunks of food again in a couple months. He is the sweetest little boy and absolutely adores his Daddy. I got so lucky in that department, I knew my husband would be a good Dad...but he truly is an AMAZING Dad. I love the bond those two have. Declan lights up when Daddy gets home from work and he seems to save all of his big belly laughs for him! Declan is the absolute love of our lives and I'm so grateful I get to be his mom. To those still battling infertility; never, never give up because once you get to the other side it is SO worth it! 


All my love,
Ashley

Declan's Birth!!!

I apologize for the incredibly delayed post, I've been busy kicking ass as a mother! My amazing son was born on 9/27/16 at 7:43 AM via cesarean, weighing 9 lbs and 21" long. I have a lot of mixed emotions about my birth experience, some of which I'm still trying to come to terms with. I'll start from the beginning. The morning of 9/27, we had to be to the hospital by 5:30 AM as I was the first surgery of the day. I was so emotional that morning, not only excited for his birth (obviously) but also a little sad because I was going to miss being pregnant so much. Although I had rough stretches of pregnancy (subchorionic hemorrhage, gestational diabetes, prodromal labor), overall it was an incredible experience. We checked into the hospital and no time was wasted getting me in a gown, hooked up to monitors, starting an IV, getting blood drawn and drinking a nasty shot of some kind of liquid that would cut down the acidity in my stomach if I were to vomit during surgery. My doctor and anesthesiologist came in to talk to us and before I knew it, I walked back into the OR. I sat on the edge of the table and they attempted my epidural, I had to stop them at one point because it felt too far to my right, so it was taken out and restarted. When it felt more centered and administered, it was seconds that they lifted my legs and had me lay in place on the table. My arms were out on both sides and they had a wedge pillow propping me up to one side to get pressure off a main artery. Before I knew it the curtain went up and my husband walked in. He said the hardest part for him was seeing me shake as if I was having a seizure, which come to find out is very common and in my case, lasted for about 4 hours. Everything went so fast, and at 7:43 AM we heard those little cries for the first time. My husband and I both completely broke down in tears and I felt as if all the bad moments in our infertility journey replayed in my mind, like THIS....THIS moment is why we were put through all of that awful shit. My son was quickly taken over to the warmer to get weighed and then we were able to snap a quick photo all together. They noticed right away his breathing was very labored so sadly, we never got to do skin to skin and my husband was never able to cut the cord (these are the things still hard to come to terms with). My husband left with Declan while they finished his assessment and a few minutes later, I was wheeled back to our room. We never got to attempt breastfeeding right away because within minutes of me being wheeled back, our son was admitted to the special care unit (NICU) for his breathing difficulties. I wasn't able to hold my son until almost 12 hours after his birth. My recovery in the hospital was better than I expected. I think getting up and walking around as much as possible as soon as I could was crucial to my recovery. The day after surgery I was managing pain with just ibuprofen and that only continued for 2 days, then I was fine with nothing. I don't like taking medication of any kind, ever. We were discharged 3 days after surgery but because my son was still in the NICU, they allowed us to stay as a courtesy so we didn't have to leave without him. Declan ended up being diagnosed with a heart murmur, wet lung and laryngomalacia. He was hooked up to monitors the entire time in the hospital, which ended up being a total of 6 days. He also needed a feeding tube at one point. He was poked and prodded at so much that first day, it still breaks my heart to think about it. He needed his blood sugars checked several times those first few hours because of my gestational diabetes and fortunately, he regulated quickly. He needed xrays and an EKG. Oxygen desaturations were the biggest thing they were monitoring, his levels dropped quite low, several times. He was checked a couple times a day by different pediatricians and finally on Monday, Oct 3, he was wheeled into our room for the first time and we got the OK to go home! Although his oxygen levels dropped several times, he pulled himself out of it each and every time so no medical intervention was ever needed and they felt confident in sending him home. It was hard being in the hospital 6 days and never having him in our room.; especially when the walls aren't very thick and you can hear other babies crying with their moms in the rooms around you. We were able to go visit him in the NICU just about every time we wanted, except when the doctors were doing their rounds or when another baby was being admitted but it was still very uncomfortable in such a tight space, uncomfortable chairs and no privacy. Overall, what matters is that he's healthy and so am I. He is now 10w3d old and THRIVING! He's up to 15 lbs and just over 24" long. We never dealt with any colic and he has only spit up 3 or 4 times ever! He is still exclusively breastfed (I pump) and eats anywhere from 28 - 38 oz/day. We have our rough nights but overall, he's been a great sleeper from the get go...doing anywhere from 3-7 hour stretches from the very beginning! He is such a sweet boy and I feel so lucky that I was chosen to be his mama.

Meeting my son soon!

In less than 24 hours my son will be here! At the last growth scan it was determined that he ran the risks of something called shoulder dystocia, which means if I tried to deliver vaginally, there was a good chance he could get stuck at the shoulders. This becomes an emergency situation within minutes. It was decided that the safest option for both he and I would be to schedule a c-section. I obviously don't love the idea of surgery but I will do whatever is necessary to get him here safe. I'm glad I never had my heart set on a birth plan after finding out I no longer qualified for a water birth (thanks to gestational diabetes). I feel like I would've taken the news of a cesarean much worse. My feelings of excitement leading up to his birthday are being overshadowed by my own fears and anxiety. I think what is messing with me the most is being wheeled into the same operating room, with the same Doctor where I had my 2 D&Cs and believing that I will get to leave that room with a baby this time. It's also the fear of the unknown..I'm nervous about having an incision to take care of, having to take it easy, the long recovery and being awake while I'm getting the procedure done. I've had two appointments with my counselor since scheduling the cesarean because I can't get over the fear of something going wrong. It's such a shitty feeling feeling like you're counting down the days to your death rather than what is the best day of your life. I find myself making sure my husband knows where all the passwords to our online accounts are and making sure he knows where my life insurance policies are located and tying up any loose ends in case I don't make it. Then it's a whole different battle feeling like because I'm thinking this way that I will jinx myself. Anxiety is an ugly, ugly thing and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm trying my very hardest to put my fears aside and tell myself that this is our time and after over 5 years of struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss, we deserve this and things will work out. I'm genuinely going to miss being pregnant and feeling him kick and wiggle inside but I can't wait to see his precious face that is the perfect mixture of my husband and I. I will update as soon as I can after we BOTH make it through delivery!!


Love,
Ashley

My experience with Gestational Diabetes

So as you can tell by the post title, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy. Although it didn't come as a huge shock to me, thanks to PCOS and family history, I still took the news REALLY hard. I was diagnosed right around 29 weeks and it took me several weeks to come to terms with it. I had a lot of self guilt, like if I would've done something differently I could've changed the outcome. The one hour glucose test wasn't that bad, people blow that shit way out of proportion. However, the 3 hour test wasn't the most fun I've ever had. Although the 100g sugar drink was nasty, the worst part was having to sit there hour after hour after hour with an empty stomach; but I somehow survived. The day of my 3 hour test, before I even got home, the nurse called and told me I failed. The next week I went in and met with a nutritionist and learned how to use my meter, which wasn't foreign to me as I previously mentioned, family history with diabetes. I had about two weeks that I felt like I had pretty good control over my numbers with diet alone. However, my Doctor is VERY strict and wanted my fasting levels below 95 and mine ranged from 92-102 so he said I needed intervention. I cried in his office, telling him I could do better but he explained that this is all about hormones and nothing I do or don't do will change things. He gave me the option of Glyburide or Metformin. I am NOT a medication person at all and when I HAVE to go on meds, I do an obscene amount of research. I heard people got horrible digestive upset (to put it nicely) with Metformin, so I decided on Glyburide. My Doctor told me to start 5mg each day with breakfast. My first day on it my sugar level quickly dropped to a very low 44 within just 2 1/2 hours of breakfast and the entire day was a constant battle trying to keep my numbers high enough to not pass out, have a headache, feel shaky or sick. I called his office once that day and the following and said I felt like my dosage was too high, he told me he wasn't willing to make a change until we see several days of trends. Well about 4 days went by and I was literally eating candy and crap food just to constantly have sugar and carbs in me. He finally agreed to drop my dosage in half, which still didn't seem to work for me. FINALLY at my next appointment, he agreed that the Glyburide was not a good option for me, as I had one of the only adverse reactions he has ever experienced in his practice (I swear I'm always that 1%)!! He suggested I go to insulin next. I was not looking forward to taking shots but I knew this was best for my son, this isn't about me and my comfort level. He wanted me to start at 5 units of insulin at night and 10 in the morning. I told him I'd like to start at 5 at night and 5 in the morning as I have great numbers throughout the day and he was receptive to it. I've now been on insulin for roughly 4 weeks now and I'm still taking 5 units in the morning but my nighttime dosage was upped to 8 because my fasting numbers were still in the upper 90s and so far this seems to be a perfect combination to keep all my numbers under control. The amount I'm on is actually considered on the lower end as far as dosage goes, many women have increases every week and can be on as much as 100 units a day so for that, I'm very grateful. I definitely don't have the sugar crashes like I did on Glyburide because the insulin I'm on is long lasting so it slowly releases after I take it, over several hours. The only bad "side effect" (if you can even call it that) is bruising on my sides from the shots, which isn't even a big deal. Overall, gestational diabetes sucks...let's be honest but it's not the end of the world and it's completely manageable once you figure out the best treatment plan for you!

Second trimester recap

Today I am 29w4d and officially in my THIRD trimester (WHAT?!?). Just like my first trimester, there isn't a ton I would complain about. The worst part has been round ligament pain...some days are better than others but if I take it easy and wear my support belt, it isn't too terrible. I'm definitely noticing that I'm pretty exhausted physically and mentally by late afternoon and it's becoming increasingly harder to breathe some days (especially when it's hot and humid)! I finally started to feel movement around 23 weeks..thanks to an anterior placenta! It was crazy...it went from not feeling anything one day, to being able to see and feel it from the outside the very next. We started work on the nursery a few weeks ago (pictures to come) and painted, installed carpet and have slowly been purchasing the furniture and decor, I'd give it another 2-3 weeks and  hopefully it will be all done! On another note, in regards to my anxiety...I found that although hitting the 24 week viability point was a little bit of a relief...it wasn't what I would've expected. I was thinking I would feel this 50 lb. weight off my shoulders but in reality I'm still so scared I could lose this little guy, so I cherish every moment. Here's some stats to sum up what the second trimester looked like for me....


Weight gained/lost: +9 (making a total gain of 2 lbs this pregnancy)
Symptoms: round ligament pain, frequent urination, difficulty sleeping some nights
Cravings: mexican food, grilled veggies like yellow squash and zucchini 
Aversions: I still haven't touched a noodle since February! I'm wondering if I'll ever eat them again! haha


That's about it for my update...I'll have more to update in the coming weeks, the first week or so of the third trimester has been eventful. Stay tuned! 

Ashley 

Anatomy Scan

Greetings!! We had our 20 week anatomy scan last Friday 5/27 and it couldn't have gone better!! I still find myself dreading appointments and ultrasounds because I'm still expecting something to go wrong, it all just seems too easy...we went through almost 5 years of infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, d&c surgeries, methotrexate injections and now out of the blue we have a perfect, healthy baby and we did NOTHING different than previous pregnancies. I'm just so scared. At our ultrasound, we got confirmation again that it's a boy...he's definitely not shy about his manhood. However, the little stinker wouldn't let us get a good look at his face. He's the cutest little thing I've ever laid my eyes on! Even though I still can't really feel it, he was kicking his legs like a little karate kid. After our ultrasound the Doctor came in and said he looked just perfect, all organs are there and working properly. He's measuring in the 75th percentile and has no markers for things like down syndrome and turners syndrome. If I think about it too much, I cry. I'm just so thankful, grateful and feeling so insanely blessed that this miracle decided we get to be his parents. We are so in love with him already and counting down the days to his arrival!

It's a.....

BOY!!!!!! I had a feeling from very early on that we had a little boy brewing just based on the old wives tales and symptoms. The ultrasound place we went to was amazing, a HUGE screen and we got to see our little guy playing with his toes and sucking his thumb. I am totally, completely in love with our son!!

First trimester recap

I can't believe it! I'm 13 weeks today and officially in my second trimester!! Overall, I can't complain too much about my first trimester. I just feel grateful to have made it this far and can't wait to meet our little one in about six months. I still haven't purchased anything, or even thought about getting a nursery ready..mostly because I'm waiting to hit the magical 24 week viability point...I guess that's another thing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss does to a person. Not that I feel like buying something will jinx me, but if something does go wrong, I don't want to have to pack baby clothes away, or walk past an empty nursery. Here's some stats to sum up what the first trimester looked like for me...

Total weight gained/lost : -7 lbs. 
Symptoms: sore boobs, waves of nausea (only during weeks 7 & 8), BAD headaches (weeks 9-12), mild fatigue, hunger.
Cravings: Bagels and cream cheese, beef, spicy food
Aversions: Noodles


That's about it, nothing too terrible. The scariest moment was at 11w1d when I went to use the restroom and discovered I was bleeding bright red. I know this can be somewhat common, but in all my pregnancies, I've never had it happen to me so I was incredibly panicked. To make things worse, my husband had left that morning to go out of state for work. I immediately called my doctor and we discovered I had a subchorionic hematoma (http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/complications/subchorionic-bleeding.aspx) which only happens in about 1% of pregnancies (go figure). Generally, it doesn't pose a threat, and clears up on it's own. I haven't had any bleeding since, but in that moment, I thought it was all over...thank god everything is okay.

On a positive note, we made the official announcement on our social media pages and everyone was so thrilled for us. This is the first time we shared any of our pregnancies and it felt so nice to not feel like we weren't in hiding anymore!

That's about it, we have an early ultrasound set up in TWO WEEKS to find out the gender so I will be sure to come on and make a post about that right away!


Thank you for the support as always.

xoxo,
Ashley

First ultrasound anxiety

Well on Monday, Feb. 22 we went in for our very first ultrasound with this pregnancy. If you've been following our journey for a while you know that all of our miscarriages were considered "missed miscarriages" which means I had no signs of losing the babies, it was during the first ultrasound every time that we discovered the pregnancies were not viable. I don't know that my heart rate has ever been higher than it was in that waiting room. We walked into the room, where I had so many bad memories and discovered we had an adorable, healthy, perfect baby with a heart rate of 129! I will never ever forget that moment. I never thought we would be lucky enough to experience that. Today I am currently 7w3d and feeling so-so. I have a hard time figuring out what I want to eat and most of the day I'm nauseous off and on. That's perfectly fine, I'll take that in exchange for my sweet bub any day! We are still very cautiously optimistic but I'm trying to just let myself get completely excited and let go of all the worry. Easier said than done. For now, here's a few pictures of our perfect miracle!

V Day Q&A

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day Everyone!

I'm a sap for all things romantic so even though I think it's important to show our spouse or significant other love and appreciation every day of the year, why not celebrate a little bit more on one extra special day?!

This Valentine's Day, my husband and I ran some errands at Lowe's (bow chicka wah wah) and then because I'm currently between 6 and 7 weeks pregnant, and seem to only want carbs, we stopped for lunch at Noodles and Co and even got extra so we could have the same thing for dinner! We watched some of our favorite TV shows, watched a movie and had an ultimate, us only, no interruptions kind of day and it was perfect! To me, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about spending a ton of money on a romantic weekend away, or showering the person with gifts but rather spending quality time together doing things you each enjoy.

I thought it would be fun to do a little Valentine's Day Q&A so you can learn a little bit more about my love story!


1. Where did you meet your other half?
My husband and I met in the front yard of a private school in my town (that neither of us went to by the way, weird I know). We live in a fairly small town and there's not much for teenagers to do so my best friend at the time called one of her guy friends to meet up and we were all going to head to the next town over to see what kind of trouble we could get into and her guy friend just so happened to be with a friend of his driving around in his friends new truck. The guys pulled up and from the second I saw my now husband, it was like time stood still. I knew I had to get to know this guy. I think everyone could see the sparks flying between us.
 
2. How long have you been with your significant other?
We have been married for almost 5 years and together for almost 12. 

3. If you’re married, when did you say “I do”?
9-10-11

4. What song did you walk down the aisle to?
Train "Marry Me" and Pachelbel "Canon in D Major"

5. Do you have any children yet?
We have 4 VERY loved babies in heaven and 1 on the way.
 
6. What’s your favorite thing about your other?
He's just genuinely the best human being I've ever met. He's hard-working, funny, tough...but at the same time, always so attentive to my needs and wants. He's so sweet and caring. 

7. Were you and your other half high school sweethearts?
Sort of. He's 2 years older than me so even though we started dating when I was 16 and about to start my junior year, he was already out of school.

8. Where was your first date?
Our first date was going mudding on a friend's property way out in the country and then having a bonfire after...it was perfect. 

9. How long were you dating before you said “I love you”?
It was about 3 months. 
 
10. How long were you dating your other half before he/she proposed?
We were dating just shy of 5 years. 

11. Where is your favorite place you have traveled with your other half?
He actually came on a family vacation with us to Gatlinburg, TN when I was 17 for my sisters first wedding. 

12. How do you and your other half usually spend Valentines Day?
We've done everything from extravagant vacations to chill days watching movies and ordering Chinese food...it's really whatever we're both in the mood to do. 
 
13. What does your favorite ‘date night’ consist of?
We like all kinds of different date nights....dinner and bowling, dinner and a movie, watching movies on the couch and ordering in food. 

14. What is the best gift you have received from your other half?
When we first starting dating, the first holiday we had together was Christmas and he got me a heart shaped necklace with a single diamond inside and it's my favorite piece of jewelry. 




I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day!!

God always has a bigger plan

Well......WE'RE PREGNANT!!! I think I'm still in a state of shock. If you read my last post, we weren't planning on really trying again until late spring/early summer. AF never showed in January and even though I had been taking pregnancy tests, they were all coming up negative. My Doctor and I agreed that my PCOS must just be "in charge" of things again and he prescribed Provera. I kept putting it off because I had a gut feeling I was pregnant and was so confused that my tests were negative. Finally on Feb. 1, I told myself I have to stop putting it off and just start the damn Provera. I took one last cheap pregnancy test on my lunch break, with probably 5th morning urine and ended up forgetting to check it before I went back to work. I came home that night and saw a faint line! The next morning I took a Clearblue digital and the word "PREGNANT" came up right away. I went in for my first beta on Feb. 3 and my hcg came back at 280 and progesterone was 13.9. Although he said my progesterone was an adequate number, I'm still being prescribed a prometrium suppository as a precaution. My next beta is tomorrow and although I'm nervous of things going wrong again, I'm trying my best to stay positive. My husband and I are due for some good news! I should know my beta results Monday and will keep you posted!!

xoxo,
Ashley

HUGE news!!!!

We are giving conceiving naturally ONE last shot and I'm giving it everything I have left in me. I'm taking the next 5-6 months to (hopefully) lose approximately 40 lbs. Our goal is that by June, my cycles will cooperate and we can start trying again. Even though my Doctor thinks IVF is our next step, I asked him if he would be open to me doing a progesterone and baby aspirin regimen, and he is. I feel really good about this decision. If things don't work out again, I will know I tried my hardest and did everything possible to make it work. I think I would be more at peace than what I have been the last several losses. If god forbid, we have another loss, we will most likely move our focus to adoption rather than IVF. I know I've needed to lose this weight for a long time now and I can't imagine a better motivator than my future baby. I think it will also help with my anxiety, as I'm entirely too self conscious everywhere except my home. Here's to kicking infertility's ass!!

Some big decisions ahead

So I had an appointment with my OB two days ago. I got some news that I knew was always a possibility, but I thought we had a few options beforehand. He told me that our next step in our infertility journey is IVF with PGS/PGD testing. Hearing it out loud from my Doctor was tough. If you didn't know, I live in Wisconsin where health insurance here is not required to provide coverage for infertility. This will be 100% out of pocket. He gave me a pamphlet for a Doctor and clinic that in his opinion, is the best in the Midwest. It is the Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago. After getting some rough pricing estimates, we are looking at about $25,000 per IVF cycle. This would include all my medications, monitoring, retrieval, PGS/PGD testing and transfer. I still need to factor in all the time off work and traveling 3+ hours one way to the clinic. Normally this clinic would also provide a money back guarantee if you aren't successful, however because we have had more than 2 miscarriages, we don't quality. Our other option is of course, adoption. My mom is adopted, so it's quite near and dear to my heart. I have just started gathering information for a social services agency about 45 minutes from me to get a rough idea for pricing for that. Either option comes with a whole host of other questions and fears. What if my egg quality sucks, what if I miscarry again, what if we pursue adoption and nobody picks us. The kind of money these things cost is astronomical. I wish I could have a baby the old fashioned way. A decision doesn't have to be made today, obviously but it will take us a while to save up the money for either option. I will be 28 this May and the fertility clinic prices increase once you hit 30, so that's something else to think about. We have a lot of information to gather and ponder. I will be sure to keep you all posted with whatever we decide. Thoughts and prayers appreciated as we embark on this next journey.


xoxo,
Ashley

Happy 2016!

I was SO excited to kiss 2015 goodbye! It was, by far my most challenging year yet. I feel such a sense of hopefulness thinking about 2016 and all of its possibilities. I'm still doing really well handling my anxiety. I have yet to take medication and I've switched my bi-weekly counselor appointments to bi-monthly. I finally feel like I'm coming out of this storm that had me paralyzed for months and months. Nothing new to report on the TTC front, we are still not really trying, but not preventing. If it happens, it would be wonderful. If not, that's OK too. I have no problem focusing on myself and my husband in the meantime. I hope you all have an incredible 2016! A new year is like a blank book, the pen is in your hands, it is your chance to write a beautiful story for yourself.

XOXO,
Ashley

PS: I've attached a song that I believe played a large part in overcoming my struggles. I hope it can help you too.

Feeling better

Happy Friday everyone! I'm happy to report that I'm genuinely feeling better. I have not taken any of my anxiety medication yet because I haven't felt like I've needed it. I don't know what's changed, honestly. I just have been feeling more at peace lately. Maybe it's getting past the first major holiday or the anniversary of my first surgery, but everyday I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. Don't get me wrong, this is not an overnight thing, I have a LONG way to go in terms of my anxiety and healing in general but for the first time in quite a while, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I had actually deactivated my personal Facebook page on Thanksgiving and ended up re-activating it this week, I discovered I didn't miss it as much as I thought I did...I still only check it about once or twice a day for a couple minutes at a time...just enough to still feel in the loop of everyday events/news. I'm trying to not let little annoyances stress me out anymore...some things are just not worth it! When I get upset about something, I've been stopping myself before I get out of control angry and ask myself if this is something I will still be upset about in 5 days? 5 weeks? 5 months? Most of the time, it's not even something I would be upset about in 5 hours so I try to let it go. I'm still very much a work in progress but I'm so determined to get back to enjoying the little things and living like an average 27 year old! There will ALWAYS be things that go wrong and things that are tough. You will have days that you simply feel like it can't get any worse. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!! Have hope and faith in yourself and you can conquer anything! As always, thank you for always sticking with me!

Ashley

One of the days I've dreaded

It's here...December 9th. I think out of all the dates that bring bad memories, this one is at the top of the list. It's significant for two reasons. 1. Exactly one year ago I said goodbye to my twins as I had my first D&C (first surgery EVER in fact...I was a nervous wreck) and 2. TODAY was supposed to be my due date for my second pregnancy. I remember when I got that positive test back in early April, doing the math to figure out my due date and thought either it was gods way of helping me heal or it was a sick joke. It ended up being the latter. It's currently just after 9 AM and I've managed to keep myself together at work..so far. My first customer of the day however, was a late 30's..maybe 400 lb. woman pregnant with her second baby. I'm not trying to imply she doesn't deserve that baby at all, it's just one more reminder that literally EVERYONE around me seems to be able to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. I have to make an honest effort everyday to not be bitter, some days are better than others. I had an appointment with my primary care Doctor last week to discuss treatment for my anxiety. I'm so grateful that my Doctor is such a remarkable human being. We talked for about an hour, she genuinely cares about me and my concerns with medication. I didn't want a strong medication, I didn't want something habit forming, I didn't want something I would have to be weaned off of and I didn't want a ton of unpleasant side effects (I'm still working on some of my control issues by the way). After discussing many different options, we narrowed it down to Hydroxyzine. It's in the antihistamine family but has been found to help a great deal with anxiety. It's something I can take for two weeks, up to three times each day and then stop taking if I'm feeling better, no problems. I plan to start it this weekend. AF is supposed to be here tomorrow and I want to be sure I'm not pregnant before I start it. That's about all the update I have for you guys, I'm just trying to get through this day and thought I would come on here and vent a bit. Until next time.

Xoxo,
Ashley

Feeling lost

Broken....Lost.....Those are the two words that I would use to describe myself these days. I have a really difficult time not blaming myself for our losses. After all, it was MY body that didn't do what it was supposed to. I think these feelings are amplified by the fact that we don't have a medical reason why it keeps happening. I'm a very black and white kind of person, I like need definite answers, no maybe or in between. According to my husband, family and counselor, I have very unrealistic high expectations for myself. I strive for perfection, in everything I do and when I don't attain perfection, I come down extremely hard on myself...What did I do wrong? What can I do differently next time? I am my own worst critic. I know that I will always grieve my babies and what could've been and it isn't that I want to forget them at all, but some days I wish I could just wake up and be over it. Be over the added stress, fear, worry and anxiety that I've been feeling since my miscarriages. I'm scared shitless to get pregnant again. Being told that we have 50/50 chances isn't good enough for me; I've never been a glass half full type of person...I don't consider myself a pessimist...rather a realist. What would be even scarier though is looking back and feeling regret twenty years down the road. At what point is enough, enough? I want to get back to the girl I once was and I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see that girl again..too much has happened. This is what infertility and loss does to a person. The easy answer would be to do something I enjoy, that makes me happy. As sad as it is, I don't even know what I enjoy. My life has been consumed with our inability to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) for over four years. For the life of me, I can't remember what I did for fun before we started this crazy insane journey. For the first time, I'm seriously considering starting an anti-anxiety medication. Everything I've tried up to this point (counselor, yoga, support books, breathing exercises) hasn't made much of a dent in how I'm feeling. I have an appointment scheduled for next week to discuss options with my primary care doctor and I will be sure to update afterwards. I apologize this post has been all over the place, thank you for sticking with me as always <3

Ashley

Cycle #51

As you can probably guess by the title of this post, last months cycle resulted in a BFN. Cycle #50 was not the lucky one for us, and after sulking about it for about two days, I'm ready for cycle #51. Never in my wildest dreams would've I have ever thought getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) would be this difficult, or take this long. This latest BFN hit me hard, I was so certain it would've been our month. I just need to keep reminding myself that God has a bigger plan. Not much else to report, just wanted to make a quick update. Thanks for all the love!


XOXO,
Ashley